


Wild — Hanji x Reader (fem)

by autummnmc



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Shingeki no Kyojin Fusion, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character's Name Spelled as Hanji, Eventual Smut, F/F, Female Hange Zoë, Hange Zoë & Levi Are Best Friends, Hange Zoë Being Hange Zoë, Hange Zoë's Experiments, Romance, Sexual Tension, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-12 23:40:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 30,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29019087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autummnmc/pseuds/autummnmc
Summary: "𝗟𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗮 𝗯𝗲𝗮𝘂𝘁𝗶𝗳𝘂𝗹 𝗳𝗹𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝘄𝗮𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗶𝗲."𝘪 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘮 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨"𝗜 𝗰𝗮𝗻'𝘁 𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂."𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘪𝘮 𝘮𝘳𝘴. 𝘴𝘯𝘰𝘸, '𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩 𝘸𝘦'𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘻𝘪𝘯𝘨𝗜 𝘀𝗺𝗶𝗿𝗸𝗲𝗱, 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗯𝗮𝗰𝗸 𝗮𝗴𝗮𝗶𝗻𝘀𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗮 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁𝗳𝘂𝗹 𝗳𝗮𝗰𝗲, 𝘂𝗻𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗼𝗹𝗱 𝗯𝗮𝗰𝗸 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗱𝘀 𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗮𝘆.𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘦,"𝗜 𝗴𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁'𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝘆 𝗼𝗽𝗽𝗼𝘀𝗶𝘁𝗲 𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘁𝘀."𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘴.
Relationships: Hange Zoë & Reader, Hange Zoë/Reader, Levi & Reader, Mikasa Ackerman & Reader, Mikasa Ackerman/Reader
Comments: 58
Kudos: 283





	1. An Embarassing Situation

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first ever, self insert fanfic. please be kind! i don't have much of a vocabulary nor is my first language english. so be warned or errors/wrong grammars. hope you'll like it!

"(Y/N)! You're about to get your ass kicked if you don't get out of there!" A roaring voice came outside. Connie, who had been knocking nonstop for the past 5 minutes, exclaimed. 

Rinsing off the lavender shampoo provided for us Survey Corps, I took my entire time washing away the reek of titans from my hair as I gently brushed the soap against my skin. I didn't bother to hurry, it's funny to witness Connie on his verge of shitting himself- which is entirely his to blame for all the foods he chomped down. I swear, he's slowly turning into Sasha.

Another knock of please, Connie yelped in agony. "You're cruel-cruel!"

Ha! Beats me. I could imagine him clutching his stomach in pain while trying to hold himself together. Makes me laugh out loud at the image. 

"(Y/N)! Have mercy on mee!"

"Right, like when I pleaded you to guard my breakfast from Sasha in the morning 'cause I haven't been eating for the past 2 days. Yet somehow, magically, the food had been chomped down by the said monster." 

Ugh boy, was I hungry, I practically begged Mikasa for her bread which she mercifully gave. We're not really that close to begin with so I practically had to swallow my pride.

She's my crush.

There, I told you.

I'm not into guys as well. I don't know what you call it, but I'm certainly not a girl, atleast, sexually. I've had a few girl crushes back in my childhood, but I never thought it was something important that I waved it off.

That until, I met Mikasa. She was beautiful. Ethereal. A literal angel fallen from heaven, who knows why. But I was certain she was somehow not of this world. Her skills were great, she moved with such grace that she had me head over heels for her. That moment of truth eventually came and I concluded I wasn't someone normal. Or atleast, by this society's standards.

And the sad, unsurprising, part comes. Mikasa wasn't like me. She likes boys- precisely Eren. Our titan shifter. I don't know why though, he had an intense temper it makes me want to throw him against the wall and take his life. 

"(Y/N)!! I SWEAR I'M GONNA PROTECT YOUR FOOD STARTING NOW. I'M NEVER TAKING MY EYES OFF OF IT, I'M NOT GONNA EVEN BLINK. PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME IN!"

I lowly chuckled, washing the soap from my now lavender-scented body (I swear everything in Survey Corps is almost lavender scented.) and wrapped it around a towel, now having enough courage and pity to open the door for the poor, showered in sweat, Connie.

He flew past me and into the toilet, I did the courtesy to close the door before I hear and smell unwanted things.

I proceeded to my barracks, walking naked under the towel on the hallway. I couldn't dare spend another minute changing into the bathroom when Connie was plainly pleading with all his life, I couldn't not feel bad.

"Geez, bold move, baby. Bold move!" Ymir winked as she walks past me. Sometimes she forgets she has Christa and it shows.

Ymir was like me. But luckier since Christa likes her back too, though she still admired some guys somehow.

I changed into our uniform once I got inside, then clumsily storming out of my room- bumped into someone on the way.

And papers were scattered everywhere.

Great.

"I'm sorry." I muttered, helping her pick up her stuff. Damn, they were many. It's no doubt it's the titan freak, scientist, who wears glasses, Section Commander.

"No, dear it's alright!" She defenses, a charming smile crept on her face as I handed her some of the papers that flew. "It's my fault I wasn't looking."

Oh she always, wasn't looking. It's either she's daydreaming of titans or is too busy contemplating theories which is evident with all the papers she got.

"You're (Y/N), right?"

"Sure I am."

"Ahh," the Section Commander looked down on me only then I realized how short I actually am compared to her. "good job with the killings during expedition. You might as well get handpicked by Levi." 

I squirmed and shot my eyes close. Gosh, I didn't like the mention of it. Thinking of how Connie's mother turned into a titan- the possibility that titans were actually humans- guiltied the heck out of me.

"Something wrong?" she placed a hand on my shoulder, in which I opened my eyes.

A hand. on my shoulder. A girl. A woman. Not to mention someone who's pretty unlikeable, yet had some bits of effects on me- had her hand on my shoulder.

"No." I replied, thanking the heavens I didn't stutter "Nothing. You might want to go now, Section Commander. Don't want you wasting your time not finishing that." I cocked my chin on the direction of her paperworks.

She lets out a chuckle. A warm one. She's always warm to start with, so it's no surprise everything she does causes warmth.

Not that I'm complaining.

"Right," Hanji took the hand placed on my shoulder off, then with an encouraging smile, she patted my head softly. "good luck with making to Levi Squad, (Y/N)."

The Section Commander immediately left after that.

I swear she was humming something as she did.

\- - - 

"You're burning hot. Not fever hot. But hot-hot." Jean stated as I swat his touchy hands away my face.

Armin casted a worried look, "You alright?" 

I nodded in response. 

Truth be told? No!

How can I ever be? I just literally realized I'm crushing on someone superior. And not just any superior. Not just typical Captain Levi who's had about thousands soldiers crushing over. Not just Commander Erwin with his thunder voice. But the titan, reeking of shit, messy and freaky scientist Hanji Zoë.

I can't even put a pin on it. She's so unlikeable, especially for a woman. But only did I then realized how pretty she actually is when I kept glancing at her during lunch- and damn, how can one not notice? 

Or maybe it's only me?

"You're nervous!" Sasha exclaimed, pointing at me, "You're seeing someone, aren't you?!" 

I frowned, "Of course not! I wouldn't keep things like that on you guys. You know I can't." That much was true, but I do keep my crushes from them. I figured it's way easier to cope.

Sasha only wiggled her eyebrows, "No, no. I'm certain there is someone. Right, Connie. Right?" she nudged the baldhead beside her who hadn't taken his eyes off my food.

I didn't realized how much I traumatized him until now, Connie is literally a statue creepily staring at my food. 

"Yes- what? No, I don't know. Let me focus, Sasha!" Connie yelped as he momentarily looked at Sasha, hastily fixing his eyes back at my lunch. "What are we even talking about?"

"Well I just think something's off with (Y/N) ever since breakfast. Did anything happen at breakfast?" Sasha asks, with the mention of breakfast; Connie gulped. That was what got him here in the first place.

Mikasa interjected, her voice as soothing and small as ever. "I do remember her asking me for bread." Sasha snapped her head at my direction, almost startling the shit out of me.

"Ooohhh! Our prideful (Y/N) asking food? That's new!" Eren exclaimed, chuckling with Armin who was just listening in anticipation. Jean alongside, threw his arm over me and whispered a compliment.

Why was this conversation even about me?

I glared at the horseface beside me, who immediately took the arm he placed on my shoulder. Damnit! Now it only made me remember of her. Of Section Commander Hanji and that touchy hand of hers that she couldn't keep to herself. Look what I got to deal with now; a weird crush on a, atleast 5 years old older woman that happens to be my superior. Just great.

Oh gosh. Why, out of all people, I have to fall into girls who are obsessed atleast about something? We can literally start with Mikasa and her Eren obsession. And Hange. Oh boy, don't even get me started with the Section Commander.

My eyes landed on the direction of a brunette, four-eyed scientist along with her superior friends. Among her comrades, she was the only one who had an extra, joyful aura. Commander's face was neutral, but I can say he's appreciating whatever Hanji was saying. Nanaba and Miche were chuckling as they ate their food, and Captain Levi. Of course. Grump. Like the depressed boy he is.

I stared at Hanji again. I couldn't stop though. It's almost as if everytime I look away, my eyes are always gonna go look for her again. She was magnetic. A whole new damn of attractiveness.

"WHAT THE ABSOLUTE BREAD?!" Sasha said- no yelled, enough for atleast 3 tables away to hear. She stood up rather dramatically that I had to look up just to see her eyes drifting to the direction of Hanji- then back to mine- then Hanji once again- then mine.

Oh no. Oh shit. I'm doomed.

Before I can shut her off, she yelled with a booming voice. "YOU'RE WITH SECTION COMMANDER HANJI?!"

When I tell you I slumped my head on the table in embarrassment, I literally did. My head came in contact with the table before I even get to sink in how painful it was. 

STUPID SASHA! I wanted to punch her in the guts for making a scene. Because apparently, her voice reached the superior officers' table and now they're probably talking about me and how I started a false rumor.

I grabbed Sasha down back her seat, who still was awestrucked by the 'revelation'. But right now, all I ever want was to slap the grin off her face. 

"What the heck Sasha?!" I mumbled, "We're not together, the heck! We haven't even interacted much for us to be together! Ughh! You get some explaining to do-"

"What was that I heard?"

Shit. Shit. Shit!

We all looked up- no, not really- to the approaching figure of Captain Levi. He had no expression plastered on his face but I could say he was pissed off by the rumor Sasha basically put up on her own.

Sasha, Mikasa, Eren and Armin were all in Levi Squad, I wouldn't be surprised to see them cleaning thoroughly after Sasha created such scandal. 

Because we all knew dating higher ups was wrong. And creating a joke or anything scandalous about that could clearly get you in trouble.

"C-captain-"

"Sasha didn't get enough meat, she raged and blurted nonsense things." Mikasa answered for us all, we nodded in unison; scared for our lives with the taunting look the short Captain gave us. He may be short, but he's the definition of destruction you wouldn't wanna get yourself near to.

Captain Levi, however, didn't drop the subject so easily, he leaned against the wall and smirked, eyes fixated on Hanji's.

"And who, apparently, was with Hanji?"

I gulped. My heart started racing I bet it's coming out my chest. Levi's eyes landed on mine, her knowingly stare lingered for a few seconds before he spoke again, "No answer will mean 3 weeks of clean-"

"It's (Y/N)! But it's entirely my fault, Captain! I didn't know what I was saying!" Sasha cut him off by the mention of 'clean', earning a collective amount of sighs and groans from our friends. Leave it up to Sasha for worsening the situation because now, Captain Levi for sure, will severe the punishment.

The Captain regained his form, digging his hands unto his pants before announcing, "A month of cleaning in the garden. Sasha, you'll skip breakfast for a week. If I see anyone breaking my orders, expect the worst to come."

It was then when Captain Levi vanished that the Levi squad groaned in chorus, almost crying as if it was the end of the world. Connie was the first to speak.

"What even gave you the idea of Section Commander Hanji having an affair?"

Affair wasn't even the best word to use. That would mean... Ew, no. Not in a million years! Disgusting.

Sasha chewed the inside of her cheeks, looking apologetically at me and her squad. "(Y/N) was staring at her. Then when she wasn't, sometimes I catch Section Commander staring at (Y/N). So I thought I connected the dots."

I froze in my place.

What? Hanji? Staring at me? How? When? And why? Had I been too obvious, but that can't be right? I've never stared that much to gain her attention. Or did I? Stupid, stupid me! A wave of embarassment clashed through my entirety as I slumped back down on the table again.

"(Y/N) I'm sorryyy. I really thought though." Sasha muttered, hesitantly placing a hand to rub my back.

Ugh, this hand shit again! Why must everyone remind me of that moment? Just what kind of destiny is playing with me right now?

I sat straight once again, glancing at Sasha who couldn't stop feeling sorry. I mouthed an assurance before she went swallowing food again. And as for me, I couldn't help myself- I looked back at Hanji.

And this time, she caught me.


	2. Typical

“Leave it to Sasha for causing a rumour. Have you heard it reached the cadets? They're 'shipping' (Y/N) and Section Commander Hanji. I wonder what she feels like.” Connie stated, sweeping thoroughly the floor. 

Sasha lets out a whimper, like a dog, and glanced at me guiltily. It was alright, for me atleast, she had misunderstood which alot of people do. But the fact that the rumour reached the cadets and don't forget to mention the Superiors— it terrifies the heck out of me. “It's cool, Sasha.” I assured.

Eren came in groaning, his shirt covered in dust and dirt. His face says it all; he was upset by this all. I assume not to Sasha, but by the whole cleaning the garden for four weeks thing. I can't blame him nor them though, I noticed how much of a clean freak Captain Levi actually is. Eren made his way around the kitchen, his eyes fixated on the potato. Glaring at it.

“How dirty can the garden get? Surely not that dirty, right?” I asks, looking at Eren for an answer who shifted his glare from the potato to me. Wow, talk about grump. “...I guess not?”

Mikasa came in sighing, I assumed she just finished cleaning the barracks too. But Jean and Armin with Christa and Ymir were still missing. Probably had been ordered by the Captain to clean their place again. He was always like that, Captain Levi I mean, he's so thorough in cleaning that his squad would come back sweating in the training ground. One time, he told them to clean again for 4 times. They looked like shit.

“The garden is full of trash. Soldiers doesn't know the word cleanliness except for Captain Levi, 'course. Anyways, you don't know what it's like in there (Y/N), atleast not after lunch.” Connie explained, followed by a groan that sounded almost like an howl. True, the garden is mostly occupied by couples or soldiers that came for air, so I don't know what it's like after they leave. Maybe a bunch of juicy boxes and paper plates. 

“One time, someone peed in there and it reeked like shit.” Eren announced, his head between his arms as if the world was ending. Not that I feel like he's overreacting, but he certainly is overreacting. I know a month could be painful, but I'm sure time will pass by and it's over. As per Sasha, she should be the one acting like it's the end of the world— she couldn't live without breakfast.

“Don't even get me started with pee, Eren. There was also poop! And it stinked soo baadd!” Connie added, collecting sighs and groans from Sasha and Mikasa. Mikasa seemed chill, but I know she's just against it as they are. “And to think we're going to be cleaning that place for a month is tiring.”

“Ehhh, suppose it shouldn't be that bad. That is, if Captain Levi won't let you do it again and again.” I retorted, earning looks from them.

Connie glared, “Easy for you to say. You're not in our squad and haven't tasted the hell of Captain Levi. Going out on expedition isn't hell— he is! I'm literally scared shitless of him.” He retorted and sat down on a kitchen seat beside Sasha, the two now quarrelling with each other about how this even started.

Mikasa stood by Eren in the kitchen counter, telling him it was going to be alright and that it'll soon be finished earlier than expected. I felt a pang on my chest as I stared at them both. Damn, they were meant to be for each other. They looked good together that I wonder what's going on in Eren's head on as to why he hasn't asked for her hand in marriage yet. That truth hurts, because one way or another, I still like Mikasa. Who wouldn't? Even Jean and that one of Squad Leader Nanaba's soldiers liked her. 

She was, everything. I wish Eren saw that, so I could atleast be comforted in the fact that Mikasa's in good hands. I sighed and stood up, making my way outside as it was already night time. But Sasha momentarily stopped her quarrel with Connie to stop me in my way. “Where are you going? You haven't eaten dinner yet. And you agreed to eat with us.” A pout was visible.

I smiled softly at her, “I'm not hungry anymore, but I'm tired. I'll see you tomorrow guys!” I excused and was answered by small byes from them. Mikasa didn't bother, as she was still trying to comfort Eren.

I went outside after, only to be greeted by Section Commander Hanji and her assistant Moblit. For awhile there, Hanji placed a hand on his shoulder like it was typical and said her orders before Moblit left and she turned to face me. A small gasp made its way outside of my stupid mouth.

Oh no. She was walking towards me. Should I run? I gulped, frozen as I am in my place. She's going to kick me in my guts for that rumour, I swear. I'm dead meat Sasha would willingly eat. When she was few feet away, my feet miraculously moved and motioned to stroll towards my barracks— a forceful hand stopped me.

“(Y/N)!” Uh oh. I stared ahead, afraid to face the owner of the hand that stopped me on my tracks. The hand was firm on my arm, gripping me tightly as if I'd run away if she doesn't. And honestly, I really would've. “The Commander is asking for your presence in his office. It might be easier if you go now." She stated.

Easier? Easier to what, punish me? Now I'm even more scared. Nervous. Because somehow, my crush holding my arm and my Commander calling me to his office are both nerve wracking to the point I almost puke. “Okay. I will.” the statement made Hanji release my arm, yet she stayed still on her spot.

Was there something else she'd like to say? Because if not, why was she still here? Maybe to scream at my face for embarassing her and belitting her rank? Damnit, Hanji. Please go away. Your presence is making me melt. 

“Are you gonna move or—?” She asks after the long pause, confusion visible on her voice. And so, I did what I feared to do. I faced Section Commander Hanji who's probably staring right into my soul to scare me. But no. She was— her. The typical Hanji with a slight happy expression. I frowned slightly, why doesn't she look frustrated like she should be? “(Y/N), are you not feeling well? Should I go ahead and tell Erwin?”

I shifted on my place and held—really held— her hand to stop her from doing so. Although unnecessary, my heart beats faster than it could as my hand touched with hers. Electricity flowed through my entire being as I realized just how soft it feels and how fit her hand is with mine. Like a puzzle coming in whole. “I'm alright! No need, Ha—Section Commander. I'll be on my way.” Shit! I almost said her first name like she was a friend of mine. Gosh, just how embarassing could I get? I've embarassed myself infront of her for atleast three times today.

She didn't move again. Like she was waiting for me. Hold up. Was she? “(Y/N) you look hesitant, are you sure you're alright?” Hanji asks concernly, which I bet is typical. Like how the shoulder touching thing was. “You look pale.”

“I assure you, Section Commander. I'm fine. It's just the food I guess.” I lied, knowing very well I haven't eaten dinner yet. “Won't you be going on your way?” I finally blurted out since it was the reason we're still here in the first place. Hanji ruffled my hair once again.

My heart fluttered.

There's literally butterflies in my stomach.

I'm going to puke.

Was it normal for her to do such thing? And shouldn't she be mad at me? I did something real bad and this is how she responds? Not even bothering to retort something offensive? Who are you, Hanji? Why the heck are you like this?

“Ohh aren't you a cute one!” Hanji exclaims and finally released my hair. That made me feel much alright— although I kinda missed the way she does it for a split second, it still made the puke go back in. “No. I'm actually coming with you, Erwin has an announcement for both my squad and Captain Levi's, I assume your friends are also being called now.” She explains with a warm, genuine smile. 

I can't even begin to explain how that smile made me melt inside. “A—alright. But what does this have to do with me? I'm not part of any squad you mentioned, Squad Leader. Is this about earlier? The rumour thing?” I asks almost with a terrified puppy voice. Ugh disgusting, I don't even normally speak like one! Just who is Hanji for turning me into a soft, puppy, who's always scary being?

Hanji chuckled and placed another gentle, soft hand on my shoulder. Ughhhh! She should stop this kind of thing, it doesn't make me feel pleasant. At. All. I wonder how many people had fallen for her because of this. Or maybe it's just me and my unstable mind.

“That was funny! All my comrades actually thought that we were together! If you didn't admitted to Levi it was a joke, we would've fooled everyone (Y/N).” My eyes widened. What the heck? She's here taking it like it was nothing while I was nervous all day, thinking what kind of punishment was ahead of me? Good one, really. “But out of everyone Erwin was shocked the most."

I cocked my eyebrows, “Why are you taking it like it's not a big deal, Section Commander? Shouldn't you be scared of any punishment it must've done?” I asked which earned a big smile from her. Ugh, I hate this! I hate how her smile shines so bright that I crave to see it every second. I couldn't even take my eyes off of her lips and the way it turns into a curve when I said or ask a stupid question.

She definitely poisoned me or whatever. Mikasa never had this kind of effect on me, I was always in control of my feelings. But right now, there's nothing I would want to do but shove her right to the nearest wall and own her lips like it wad made only for me. And it wasn't, that's the harsh truth.

“Because it isn't, (Y/N). I don't know who told you that but us dating certainly doesn't bring any punishment. I assume negative opinions, yes, but there's nothing else. That is, if it were truly true.” She says profoundly it made me want to take her here and now. The way she talks about the possibility of us dating made me picture an image of us together. And that image wouldn't get out of my mind. “Oh, there are your friends!” She looked behind me and so I turned to that direction.

Sasha, Connie, Mikasa and Eren were there with Moblit that I didn't even saw entering. Jean, Armin, Christa and Ymir went out of the other room too. They gave me a questioning, confused look as their eyes shifted to Hanji behind me. Sasha had widened, terrified eyes.

“S-Section Commander, I'm sorry about earlier!" Sasha says, bowing up and down as she does. “It was all a misunderstanding!” She added and bowed once more before regaining her posture. 

Hanji nodded her head and flashed a small, reassuring smile at her. “Don't worry, uhh what's your name again?” she asks in which Sasha replied. “Yeah, don't worry Sasha. I actually found it funny, dating a squad member truly is shocking for everyone.” She chuckled at her own sayings before telling us to go ahead. I immediately ran beside Sasha and Connie, leaving Hanji and Moblit behind that were following us.

Sasha leaned on me slightly to whisper, “I know I'm probably delusional, but (Y/N), you and Miss Hanji sure does look like a couple. If not, a married one.”


	3. A Wholesome Night

I had been slacking, and I'd admit it was partly because of what Sasha said to me earlier. It made me so anxious and it caused so many butterflies in my stomach I can't even begin to comprehend it. The other part, was well, because of Commander Erwin's new orders that doesn't sit well with me.

I'm part of Captain Levi and Section Commander Hanji's squad. Apparently, the two squads are now merged into one for a better reason. Levi and Hanji were still the leaders we'll look up unto. But I cannot ignore the triumphant smiles on Levi Squad as the Commander announced it.

Eren even whispered, “Welcome to hell, (Y/N)” that caused a slight glare from Mikasa. And I trembled, I have to be honest. Captain Levi has one of the most terrifying demeanor that I always avoided him every training of every day. 

And now? They're telling me I'm supposed to be part of his squad? Talk about hell. “Thanks for that, Eren. Atleast now I've got some excuse to finally kick your ass in training.” I answered and his eyes were wide for awhile; fully knowing how skilled I was with combat.

Annie Leonhart, the traitor, did teach me a whole lot. I was a visual learner, so it was easy for me to learn her moves in every combat training.

“Any objection? No? You're dismissed.” The Commander announced, finishing the meeting off with a small smile. As I was about to go with the others, Erwin suddenly spoke. “(L/N), Hanji. A word?”

I glanced at Sasha, who then looked at me with worry. Ever since the happenings in the morning, she cannot not keep herself from worrying for me. Not that it was a bad thing, but it was for her. I'd been reassuring her all day that it was alright but somehow, she couldn't seem to stop herself from being guilty. I didn't like that at all, it reminded me of a certain someone.

The others went ahead while Hanji and I stood infront of Commander Erwin's desk. I wasn't scared, but nervous of what he might say. I bet it was to discipline myself from starting rumours.

“(L/N), I'm pretty sure you're aware of the rumours flying around this morning, as well as you, Hanji?” we both nodded as a response. Erwin lets out a deep sigh, placing his intertwined hands on the desk to remind us the situation is kinda serious. Kinda. “And it's false, yes? I need to hear that from both of your mouths.” 

As I was about to answer, Hanji raised her voice a little louder to cut me off. “And if it wasn't? What were you gonna do, Erwin?” Hanji asks rather personally, seeing as to how she literally used his first name to address the Commander. She even looked annoyed, not trying to facade it for formality's sake. 

Erwin shifted slightly on his seat in discomfort, “You know what people says about it Hanji, it's just not pleasant for Higher Ups to date someone in their squad. We've known that since we were cadets. Although it isn't part of our rules, dating is considered mandatory in Survey Corps.” He spoke firmly and seriously. This was going to get heated, and I can say that by Hanji's face. She doesn't look like one who backs down easily.

“Hmm, is it because we're both girls? I couldn't care less about what others say. I date who I wanna date, and nobody's going to get in our way, get it Erwin? Nobody. You know that better than I do.” Hanji retors, in which Erwin sighs again. This seems like everyday fight. And it was awkward for me, I was like an invisible statue standing straight in the corner while listening to a couple fighting. Awkward. “Tell that to me Erwin.”

“Of course I do Hanji. I respect who you like. But given what happened to L-laura. Because of my incompetence, she had been forsaken. That should serve everyone enough lesson on why it isn't appropriate to be with someone while your life's literally on the line.”

— — —

Hanji didn't said anything more after what Erwin said, if anything, she stormed off of his office and I was left there speechless. I assured Commander Erwin once more that we weren't in a relationship before he dismissed me.

I was shocked. Perplexed. I've never seen Hanji so rebellious, I suppose she had always been with her titan obsession. But she literally doesn't look like the one to rebel because of dating. I wouldn't judge her, I even admired her for that. And especially with the “because we're both girls?” statement. That left me absolutely surprised.

Was she like me? Does she like girls as well? Wait, no, I shouldn't come up into sudden conclusion. Whatever gender she's attracted unto shouldn't be my problem. The Commander had already made it clear on why dating Higher Ups isn't good and pleasant. Simply because we're all living in a cruel world where happiness doesn't even stand a chance.

I made my way into the rooftop of our headquarters. There was that one bench out there where you can sit on just to stare at the beautiful sky. Every night, when the sky is dim and the stars shine its lights, I always give myself some time to freshen up there.

So it came as a shock to learn that I wasn't alone. Approaching, the figure of the very oblivious, Section Commander Hanji sitting was alot clearer. I cleared my throat earth knows why, “Section Commander?”

There was a slight jump from her as she turned around to see me, a smile forming on her face as she does. “Oh (Y/N)! It's you! Come sit!” she cheerfully invited, tapping the empty space on her side.

“I ughh. Can't.” I hesitated.

“Why? Because of Erwin? I bet he said something to you. But he's all just words, (Y/N). He doesn't really care. So sit.” Hanji convinced, and I couldn't turn her down though. The smile she flashed at me was brighter than the stars that I don't want it to disappear in disappointment. 

So the idiot I am, I sat down beside her. Awkwardly. There literally was tension between us, and it was becoming real hot despite the cool, night breeze. “Tell me, (Y/N), was I wrong for thinking a person shouldn't be judged regardless whatever her lover's rank is?” the Section Commander asks ever so sudden that my breath hitched.

What was I suppose to say? I'm not sure of the answer in my mind, and I don't wanna disappoint her. Suppose when you have a crush on someone you get this kind of feeling of wanting to impress her.

But my mind literally exploded into emptiness. “I bet you're thinking I was insane for standing up to the Commander.” She snorted, then playfully, like the typical Hanji she is, slightly elbowed me. “Say, do you think my judgement went rather too far?” 

“You weren't insane, Section Commander.” I finally blurted out, proud at myself for not stuttering like I usually do when nervous, or when talking to a crush. And I'm doing both now. “I think it was good for you to let out your opinion, let people know your perspective in life. That not everybody feels the same, and not everybody sees anything the same.” I explained in which she listens attentively.

A frown was visible in every aspect of her face. Now I regret what I said. “I can't understand you, (Y/N). You should be disgusted of me, why are you praising me?” Hanji asks innocently, her deep voice almost a whisper as she spoke. 

I scratched the back of my neck. I've never been confused yet understanding in my whole life. “Well what you said awhile ago was praiseful enough. I like it when people stands up for what they believe in, like what you did awhile ago. Section Commander, I'm not disgusted at you.” I softly stated, earning another warm smile of hers.

She looked at the direction of the sky, her eyes glimmering as the stars reflected on it. Hanji looked, beautiful. She was glowing. Her presence was wholesome and too much for me. I bet she could hear my heart beating loud and fast as it was the only sound I could ever hear. 

Damnit! Why do I even have to be so near her? I couldn't ignore the hook of her nose and just how perfect it is on hers, I couldn't ignore how her brown eyes shine as she stares up in the sky— or her lips. Her kissable, beautifully shaped lips that I've been wanting to taste. She was... perfect. Too much. I can't take it. I can't comprehend it.

This woman beside me is ethereal. The definiton of perfection. Beyond perfection. If anything could ever go beyond it.

How had I not notice that? Hanji Zoë. The titan freak. Is perfect. And I failed to notice that all these months I've been in in the Survey Corps.

“I thought I was mad at myself,” Hanji paused to tilt her head on my direction, her brown eyes meeting mines. “but not now that you've enlightened me. Thank you, (Y/N).”

Oh. That was rather, cute. Her soft, relaxed facial expression looked much more natural than her constant forced smile during training. “It's a pleasure, Section Commander.”

Hanji grinned, her soft hand made its way on top of mine, gently squeezing it. And when I tell you I'm dying inside, I fucking am. It's not an everyday scenario that you're being squeezed by the woman you're literally crushing on. Not to mention the small smile she's currently flashing on me. And the way the moonlight made her skin glow that made her ten times perfect-er. If it was a thing. Damnit, I'm falling. Real hard. And it's been a day since we've interacted much.

I can't believe it only had been a day. Yet here I am already falling deep for my superior. I'm crazy!

“You can lose the whole lot 'Section Commander' calling when it's just us. Call me Hanji. I'd appreciate that, (Y/N).” Hanji muttered, and I nodded in anticipation. She hasn't took her hand off of mine. And it was making me sweat. 

I love it. It was so soft, and the way she placed it felt so wholesome and sweet. I loved every second it was there. Oh gosh, I really am falling hard. Real hard. And I'm sure I'll get myself hurt in the end.

Well suck it, (Y/N), you put yourself into this. “(Y/N), it's probably late. Aren't you tired?” Hanji asks and before I knew it, her hand were already back on its place, my own missing the touch and the warmness it gave. 

“I am, Se—Hanji. How about you? I assume you are, with all these titans and stuff. I don't even know how you Higher Ups do it consistently, I really do look up unto you guys.” I mumbled softly, earning an appreciative nod from her beside me.

“I don't even know how we do it as well, one minute we're blahbering about how many paperworks we're doing, the next we've finished it already.” She lets out a tired chuckle and looked back at the sky. Sighing, she ruffled my hair once more. Hanji did that three times today and I'm not even complaining. “See you tomorrow on the training grounds, (Y/N). I'll see you at your best, alright? Let's head back now.”

— — —

“(Y/N)! Sorry I didn't woke you up, you were in a deep sleep I couldn't bring myself to. Come sit beside me!” Sasha stated, tapping the vacant seat beside her. I tiredly did as I placed my plate unto the table— noticing just now the looks my comrades has. A knowing, teasing look. As if I did something dirty last night. 

Huh?

“Sooo. Tell us about the rooftop moment with your dearest Section Commander Hanji, (Y/N). I bet it was romantic!” Ymir was the first one to speak, and the next others were already dropping their breakfasts to listen to my answer, giving their own questions.

What the heck? How the earth did someone saw us? And how did they even come up with another rumour that we were on top of the rooftop, romantically talking?! 

“We're. Not. Together!” I exclaimed, but only saw smirks from all of them. Oh my gosh! “Uhh what the hell? You guys know me! I'm not lying, I swear! We were just talking about the Commander and how his orders literally complicate our situation, nothing more, nothing less!” That was a half lie, but what was I supposed to say? That I was just complimenting and cheering Hanji for what she said? No! That'd bring more suspicions than there already is.

Connie wiggled his eyebrows teasingly, “Not to mention how you guys literally went straight to the rooftop after I don't know, getting warned by the Commander I guess? It was alright, actually. But I saw you holding hands with her. Don't even deny the hand holding, (Y/N). You know these eyes of mine are clearer than you thought it is.” I glared at him, and with one swift motion, kicked his ankles enough for it to be sprained.

He gasps in pain and the others gasped in terror. “OUCH (Y/N)! THAT SHIT HURTS! AGGGHH!” He yelped, clutching his ankle in his hands. Sometimes they forget I'm a combat fighter and it shows.

“To make things clear. Before y'all shitheads come up with another false rumour. Section Commander only held my hand for a split second to compliment me and my skills. Got it? We were in the rooftop talking as she was upset about the Commander, and I was there because that's the place I go to every single night I'm vacant. Sasha fucking knows that! Now if any of you spread that rumour like wildfire again, I'm going to kill you all.” I threatened, and the whole table was silent as they nodded their heads to agree. 

That is, until three people approached our table. I swear, I saw Captain Levi grinning alongside with the Commander— and Hanji.

“Who held hands now?”

Oh shoot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can also find this story on wattpad.  
> un: arahiel_hejion


	4. Overdosed

“We've been running for hours now!” I exclaimed, taking a break on the corner for air. Damnit, I knew Captain Levi was a rough one, but I didn't know he was this rough in training. My knees were already wobbling yet he still made us continue, probably to lead us to our graves. 

Mikasa grabbed my cloth gently, reminding me with her stare that it wasn't time for rest. But I want rest. I'm dying. And no one can come between me and rest. Not even someone I like. 

Armin came trailing behind her, stopping as well to catch his breathe he lost during the exercise. “(Y/N)... it... isn't... good... for us... to stop. Captain will come unexpectedly and will punish us further.” Says Armin while he glances behind him to check for any short figure that might be the Captain in question.

I couldn't care less. I'm running out of breathe! “Just a little while... I'm tired I bet I can't stand up straight anymore.” I excused as Ieaned unto the tree for support. I was practically dying, I've never had this kind of hardcore training before. Miche, my former Squad Leader was easy on us, he made sure we got enough sleep and rest. He doesn't do what evil Levi does; he's truly a sweetheart. I kind of regret for showing off my skills, because now, I'm being dragged down my grave.

Eren finished another set of lap, halting only to remind us to continue. I swear that guy is a monster! Not because he's a titan, per se, but because of the energy he has. He just ran 15 laps for an hour. And he hasn't rested. He didn't even look like hep planned to. While I'm here too weak to run 7 laps alone.

Armin tapped my shoulder, “Let's go and finish this (Y/N). I don't wanna miss lunch.” I nodded my head at him, Mikasa also agreed. 

We didn't waste any more time, I figured lunch was better than rest. So run for 20 laps we did. And I swore I almost blacked out in exhaustion the last second. 

The lunch wasn't good. The soup tasted too salty for my own likings, so I left it there to be cleaned; not bothering to satisfy my hunger. Gosh, my legs feel somewhat floating. It was still trembling in weakness that I had to constantly support myself with the nearest wall or sturdy object. I made my way slowly into the stables, I realized the halls, gardens and the barracks would be too crowded— so much for comfort and rest. So I figured the stables would be the best way to go.

Plus I like horses. They were usually cool and all, and the area surrounding was peaceful and quiet— unlike our headquarters. As I settled myself on the grass beside two horses, I gently rubbed their big stomachs. It was soft to touch that it made me recall of the happenings last night.

Hanji's hand. It was as soft as this. No, softer. And alot warmer, warm enough to calm my chaotic mind. Oh heavens, I didn't like this kind of feeling. I hate depending my comfort on someone. Especially when I just interacted with her for just a day.

“Hi (Y/N)!”

My heart jumped. My body jumped.

Hanji, the woman in question, peeked her head from the outside almost as creepily as a ghost. What the heck. What is she doing here?

She muttered an apology as she noticed my frightened posture, then came to approach me inside the stables looking weirdly as I ever could; sitting on the grass while touching a horse's belly. 

I stood up hastily to salute, in which she waved off. “Section Commander, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be eating with the other Superiors?” 

Hanji gave me a look. A look I couldn't quite figure out. I always figure a look out, but not this one. It almost made me feel like I've done something wrong or embarassing. Had I? Did Connie tell the other soldiers about his made up rumour? Oh gosh I swear I'm going to snap his neck when I meet him.

“I told you to call me Hanji when it's just us, (Y/N)” Oh. I gulped, her bossy voice was so deep it made me feel many things. I liked it. “Anyways, I heard Levi almost killed you all today. My squad— well technically, our squad— complained to me about the training.” She stated, motioning for both us to sit down on the grass as I did awhile ago.

I nodded my head, “Yes, he made us run 20 laps. We were so close to dying that I can't feel my legs until now.” I freely complained, knowing Hanji was a trustworthy person. Simply because I felt like she is.

Hanji hummed in response, a throaty chuckle followed afterwards. “That little grump knows nothing but violence. But when you actually get to know him— he's a soft person. Levi even cried infront of— shit! I shouldn't have said that.” My eyes widened. The words 'cried' and 'Levi' in one sentence doesn't sit well with me.

For all I know, Captain Levi is the toughest, strongest soldier that has ever existed I actually forgot he was still a human being. But still, Levi crying isn't normal. For me, atleast. Such deep of an emotion wasn't something I usually see in him.

“Don't tell him I told you that. He's going to kill me.” She warned in which I could only nod. “By the way, is your legs still weak? I actually have a medicine for that. Do you want to...?” Was that an invitation? To her lab?

It seems like it! Her eyes were glimmering like last night, but right now with anticipation and hope. “Of course, I've been curious of your experiments.” I answered, and I plainly saw her standing up in excitement.

“Okaayy, c'mon!”

— — —

The lab was the stinkiest room that could ever exist in this headquarter. It reeked of mix of a titan blood (that surprisingly didn't evaporate like it usually does), alcohol, medicine and liquids I couldn't quite put a pin on. There were alooot of solutions and syringes. Her desk was full of scattered papers— which reminds me of yesterday. 

She had a sheepish smile, guilty for not cleaning up although I doubt she ever cleans up. Herself and her lab. I sat down on a chair she provided, then sighing, I announced, “I'm ready, which one am I dunking down my throat?”

Hanji exclaimed a, “right!' before she reached for a cabinet— that I'm sure I couldn't reach— and took a beaker full of red liquid. “I think this is it.”

My eyes shot open at the word 'think'. “What? Think? You're not sure?” should I call for help?

She shook her head rather nervously, approaching me on the seat. “No, no, no! Trust me in on this, (Y/N). I swear” my eyebrows cocked at the direction of the word 'sample' she pasted on the beaker, which she immediately threw as she noticed. “That was nothing.”

I rolled my eyes. I voluntarily involved myself in this situation and it'd be unfair to back out last minute. Well, for Hanji it is. She approached me slowly, slightly shaking the beaker to thoroughly mix the solution before bending down to gently touch my chin.

Hanji leaned her face close to mine, she had a small smile plastered on her face. And her eyes, oh gosh, have I mentioned how pretty it was up close? Her lips. It was so close, it'll only take a single shove and I'd be able to taste it. Control yourself, (Y/N). Control yourself!

And just as I thought it was enough, Hanji brought up her vacant hand to run it over my lips, sexily, thoroughly touching it. My breathing fucking hitched. What the fuck is she doing? And why?! She smirked as she noticed my now, rapid breathing. This woman really had the audacity to smirk.

Oh my gosh. It's so hot in here. Especially with Hanji up close! I'd rather do Levi's hardcore training than be in here; mere inches away from Hanji, her fingers erotically touching my lips and her presence making me feel hot. I can't take this. Not another second. I'd burst into a monster, and I wouldn't be able to control myself. 

“Ohhh (Y/N)." Hanji finally spoke, no, moaned. The way she rolled my name on her tongue was giving me many feelings. And one of those were unpleasant to feel. She used her finger to gently, hotly, part my lower and upper lip, I swear she leaned in even closer that I felt so dizzy of her presence. “Drink, darling.”

Hanji brought up the beaker up to my mouth, and I drank it in one gulp— my eyes never leaving hers or her lips. Her pretty, dirty lips. Damnit. I'm losing control again... she has to let go or I'll do something we'd regret later on.

“Hanji—”

“Section Commander?!” 

We both jumped, her back now facing me as I heard her gasp. Oh boy, thank goodness for Moblit, his loud voice and knock. Thank heavens! I wouldn't even want to imagine what would've happen if he didn't.

The current rattle on the doorknob and Hanji's footsteps made me aware of what we've just done to each other. She opened the door in one swift movement, I could feel her frustration as she did.

Frustrated? Shouldn't she be relieved?!

“Moblit! Did you forget something?" Hanji asked, her voice failed to sound calm. Instead of answering, Moblit shifted his gaze behind her— to me. And a frown formed on his face. “Oh right, (Y/N)'s here to drink that sample—ehh, medicine I made two months ago. Remember, that one that eases pain?” She reasoned, slightly looking back at me.

Drink? We practically flirted, and there was no excuse about it. Gosh, what have I done? What have I gotten myself unto? A wave of regret clashed through me. And I don't know whether it was because of the moment awhile ago or the medicine that she gave me, but I was met by a scorching headache the next second I blinked.

“WHAT?!" Moblit exclaimed, his eyes widening and his figure started to tremble. “Oh no, oh no. Oh no, no, no no!!! Section Commander, that was the mix of strong alcohols you invented as a sleeping pill!” 

I couldn't hear Hanji the next time she spoke. The world spun above— no below. Wait... the whole world was spinning. I tried to focus my sight on Hanji, but her figure approaching and Moblit's were so blurry I couldn't figure anything out. And before I knew it, I blacked out.

— — — 

Hanji panicked, carrying (Y/N) on her arms on a bridal style as she carried her to the barracks. Alot of soldiers came passing by saw the two, plus Moblit trailing. 

They were just flirting awhile ago and now (Y/N)'s all knocked out and possibly in a deep coma. That is, if her previous hypothesis was correct. Hanji heard from Moblit (who kept blabbering of many possibilities) (Y/N) has never drank alcoholic beverages before, so her alochol tolerance was very, very low.

Stupid, stupid, Hanji! Not only did you lied to her but practically killed her. Almost.

Sasha, with all of Levi-Hanji squad— stared at the two; The Section Commander carrying clearly knocked out, maybe dead, (Y/N). They all froze, but Hanji couldn't care less. She approached the squad and said, “I'm asking for your assistance. Nifa, please tell Levi we're cancelling the combat training, Sasha and the others, come along with me.”

They didn't hesitate, immediately following her orders as the situation looked serious. And (Y/N), poor (Y/N) looked bad. She's hardly breathing! Mikasa helped open the door inside their room, Hanji carefully laid (Y/N) down on the bed, then placed her on the side and into the Bacchus Maneuver position— the position mostly used to overdosed people when they try to commit suicide. Hanji made sure (Y/N) was safe as she rolled back into her arms, gently holding her.

Connie's eyes widened, “Section Commander! Her breathing's slowing down!” he exclaimed, terrified of (Y/N)'s sake. How did this even happen? Was it because of the training? Oh Captain Levi, you're getting fired.

Hanji placed (Y/N) on her back when she was assured the poor girl wouldn't choke anymore. Then, placing (Y/N) between her knees, Hanji started doing CPR, careful not to harm her.

“Section Commander, what can we do?!” Eren butted in, concern present in his voice.

“Gently try to wake her up,” Hanji announced, in which Eren immediately followed, making his way beside the scene. “Carefully, Eren. Don't shock her.” She warned as she continued to perform CPR, seeing as to how (Y/N)'s still breathing real slow.

Eren shifted in surprise on his place, (Y/N) was cold, real cold for a human being. He looked up on his superior, who then gave him a knowing look. Eren went back to his original duty; try to wake (Y/N) up despite the coldness of her skin.

“Sasha, Connie. I need you to accompany Moblit in finding my IV fluids. It's either in my lab or in my room. Be quick!” 

“Yes ma'am!"

Hanji glanced at Mikasa and Armin, frozen on their place as her eyes were fixated on the unconscious, cold (Y/N). Oh gosh, their looks made her feel even more worst than she already does for causing this.

She tilted her head to Eren's direction, and he gave her no signs of (Y/N) waking up. It was evident on his face.

“Eren, Mikasa, and the others. Search for an open store and buy many sweets— preferably chocolate. Get some clean water too.” She ordered, and the next moment, it was just Hanji and (Y/N) again.

She paused for awhile and placed her ear to the overdosed (Y/N)'s chest. Her breathing improved, but she was still breathing slow and sharp. Hanji went back to performing CPR again, praying to the heavens they might keep (Y/N) safe or she's forever going to hate herself. 

This was her fault, no doubt. Her carelessness and dumbness lead them here. No, it was actually her eagerness to impress the young soldier in the first place. If she hadn't been so curious of (Y/N), this, all of this, wouldn't have happened.

Fuck me and my admiration for her. Gosh, she wouldn't even deny it. She liked (Y/N) ever since the first day she joined the Survey Corps. When she knocked down Armin and Eren during the hand-in-hand combat, or when she swiftly yet gracefully move through the forest using her odm. Or when her perfectly shaped face forms into a frown, she was beautiful— and her eyes, heck, were there anything prettier than her eyes? It was because of all that, and her likings for girls, that Hanji got so hooked of (Y/N).

Damnit. Hanji was so wrong for letting (Y/N) be her freaking test subject, or let alone for liking her. “(Y/N) please, please wake up. I'm sorry. Wake up. (Y/N), (Y/N) please.” she pleaded, her voice audible and breaking.

She can't take this kind of guilt. Heck no.

“Ummf!” (Y/N)'s eyes shot open, gently pushing Hanji aside to puke on the side of the bed, coughing afterwards. She laid back down again— now aware of what and who she was between with. Still recovering from cough, (Y/N) managed to choke out, “G-gosh, Hanji, you're so fucking hot as a top.”


	5. Desire To Know

"Hold on to me," Hanji mumbled, offering a hand I freely accepted as I switched my position from laying down to sitting. Because apparently, it's more convenient for someone who got overdosed. By alcohol. Don't even ask me, how I, someone who hasn't tasted alcohol beverages, overdosed and almost died. Thank goodness of Hanji. "The others will be back in a while. How are you feeling?"

Our hands were still intertwined, I had the urge to keep it that way; but couldn't. I don't like this new feeling of mine she all but caused. Her touches and her perfectness. So I painfully had to take my hand back into my side, flashing Hanji a small smile.

She cleared her throat, sighing as she sat on the bed beside me. Gosh, it reeked of my puke that I bet she doesn't care, her lab smelled stinkier than this does.

Oh wait. Right. The lab. The memories were quiet vivid; our eyes meeting, her fingers caressing my lips as she parted it, the liquid she gave me- shoot. It was the liquid, wasn't it? The reason I'm feeling light headed. 

And boy am I having trouble breathing. I tried to play it off, trying to ease the pang on my head and the rapid beating on my chest that I don't know whether Hanji caused or the liquid she gave me.

To my dismay, she noticed I started sweating again and placed a hand on my chest- near my breast. Shit. "Look at me, (Y/N). Look at me." She muttered, her eyes searching for mines. "Follow my breathing. Inhale... exhale..." she ordered, breathing with me. 

But the moment our eyes locked; my heart was on fire and I was starting to choke on my breathe again. I looked down to try ease the pain in my chest. "No, no. (Y/N). Look at me." 

I couldn't. Hanji will be the death of me, just one look in that beautiful colored eyes of hers and I'll lose my breathe again. I'm not even exaggerating. Hanji couldn't see the signs though, so placing a hand under my chin; she made me look up to her again.

Damnit. This was the exact same scenario that happened earlier, in the lab. Where I almost, almost, gave in to my desires to lavish my monstrous attraction on her. 

The next second our eyes met again, I began to feel dizzy that Hanji had to frequently tap me on my cheeks. "Stay with me, (Y/N). Please. Hey, stay with me." Hanji pleaded, her voice was almost a whisper I couldn't not feel ashamed or bad for the fact that I can't, stay with her.

Nor can I look at her.

I dozed off for a second, my head falling into her arms that I'd rather stay my whole life tucked in there than meet this scorching headache and chest burn.

"(Y/N), I want you to listen to me. Please. Stay with me, alright?" I nodded as I tried to keep my eyes open. She was starting to get blurry again I feared I'll black out once more. "Darling. Be a good girl for me. Look at me in the eyes, try to keep yourself awake as possible. Think you can do that?" I could only nod again, earning a deep, panicked sigh from her.

I really wanted to stay with her as promised, but I felt so lightheaded my eyes started to close in tiredness again.

"(Y/N), please. Darling listen to my voice. Stay with me until the others get back." 

Gosh, I loved the way she called me darling.

I groaned in pain. Another wave of something lurking in me clashed through my throat, gosh I was going to puke. I swatted Hanji away and puked once more on the side of bed. Whoever was the owner of this room, heck, I can never be more sorry or thankful. 

I regained my posture again, leaning my head against the headboard with my eyes closed. But evidently, having my eyes closed wasn't a good idea. Hanji went back to tapping my cheeks again.

"(Y/N) I'm so sorry for doing this to you. But please don't close your eyes. Hey." She begged, a hint of guilty was present in her voice that if it wasn't for my situation now- I would have kissed her to make her feel better. Because this wasn't her fault. It was mine for giving in to my desires. A desire to spend time with her.

"Section Commander! We found it!" A voice roared outside and before I knew it, the door flung open to reveal Moblit, Sasha and Connie holding a box of syringes in their arms.

I'm sorry, but are they giving me that many?!

\- - -

"How the hell did this even happen?" Levi hissed, his gaze shifting to and fro from Hanji and me. I wanted to say something, but Levi shushed me off. "No, I'm asking four-eyes over here, not you (Y/N). So tell me Hanji, what happened reasonable enough that I wouldn't report this to Erwin?" His eyes narrowed to her.

Hanji sighed, looking over at me with pity. It has been a few hours after the incident, my memories were much clearer now. I can't even begin to fathom how heroic Hanji looked carrying me in a bridal style on my way here. She looked hot. If it weren't for my situation right now. 

I felt alot better after Hanji injected me with the IV fluids, I was also presented chocolates for my blood sugar and surely enough, I got better a few minutes after.

"I wanted to give her the medicine I invented to ease her knee pain she gained during your extreme training. But somehow I gave her the wrong one. It was entirely my fault." She admits, looking down in guilty.

Oh no, I hate this. "Actually, Captain. If you let me speak. I was also wrong." I interjected, Levi gave me an go-ahead-and-continue look. I gulped, his look looked as if he was challenging me. Why? "I could've turned the offer down, but I voluntarily went to her lab for my own pleasure. Plus I knew the risks and consequences if anything has gone wrong the moment I stepped in there."

Levi only scoffed, much for my annoyance. "Risks? (Y/N), you almost died. If it weren't for Hanji's skills in medic and first aid, who knows what could've happened to your dumb ass." He retorted, smirking at both Hanji and me. "But for the sake of the next expedition, I'm not reporting this to Erwin. That is, if he doesn't find out himself. We can only hope."

Hanji gave Levi a look of thanks, in which he brushed off immediately. Then soon enough, Levi left for paperworks and it was just me and Hanji. Again. 

"I always fail to understand you, (Y/N)." Her voice echoed around the room, a forced smile made its way across her face as I stared at her. "I'm confused."

"Confused why?" I asked in bewilderment. Truth be told, I never have someone who's extremely curious of how this dumb brain of mine functions. So it was nice to know Hanji does.

She lets out a sigh of both relief and tiredness, evident with the expression on her face. "You should be hating on me, I broke your trust. Yet there you are, trying to reason with Levi. Why are you like this? Why aren't you mad?" I chuckled softly, lightening the atmosphere and tension between us two that has always been present since yesterday.

"I don't know, but I kind of want to think it as like- a nice gesture. Plus it wasn't just your fault Hanji, let's be honest. It was mine's too." I stated. It was true, and in no way was I trying to defend her for the sake of defending her. I was just telling the simple truth; we were both at fault.

The Section Commander hummed, approaching the clean bed. I was transferred to her room, seeing as to how it was my own bed that I puked and messed up on. I didn't even notice until the last second. Kind of bummer if you ask, because I liked the view in our barracks.

No offense to Hanji, but her room was almost covered with titan research or any medicine she's working on. For someone who doesn't find titans entertaining like me, it was uncomfortable.

But hey, the bright side is that I get to know Hanji more until my room's cleaned of any dirt and possible flus I coughed on, right?

"I'm sorry you were forced to sleep here. It isn't ideal, yes, but my bed's alot big and ideal to sleep on compared with the normal bunk beds you scouts usually sleep on." She mumbled, placing herself on the edge of the bed close enough to see my figure.

I didn't want her to keep feeling sorry, but if it somehow releases any kind of emotions lurked within. Then fine. But I'll surely stop her if she refuse to stop that and forgive herself. I shifted on her bed, then slowly laid down as I tried to make a name out of its smell.

It smelled like her. Hanji. With a mix of a liquid used in laundry. Huh, to think Hanji's bed actually smells nice is kind of impossible to believe. Yet again, I've only started interacting much with her since yesterday. That only tells how little I know of her.

"You'll be fine here, (Y/N). But I'll need to go work, I'll come back for dinner."

I smiled and bid goodbye to her. Hoping she'd come back earlier than dinner. As I'm in need of a human company.

\- - -

My comrades had visited, which cheered me up alot. They asked how I was feeling, then went on on how panicked they were while trying to find the IV fluids and chocolates or sweets they were ordered to find. Surely enough, the topic switched to Hanji.

And how amazingly good she was on treating me. That, I couldn't deny. I've seen her skills during expeditions- though I never really paid much attention to it, it was no doubt she was one of the best in her field. 

"You should've seen how serious and scary Section Commander looked, it was as if she's declaring war to the world if something happened to you!" Connie exclaimed, huffing out a sigh. "Her face was what got us panicking in the first place I begged the heavens to help us find the IV fluids."

I chuckled. She indeed looked furious and desperate as I recalled the time she pleaded for me to stay with her. Looking back at it, I wouldn't deny how sweet and adorable that moment was. She was a baby, I'm not sugarcoating it. Hanji was a literal baby. Adorable and cute. I still could see her pleading face in my mind.

"And the way she carried you (Y/N), it was so heroic that I was so tempted to play a background music." Ymir announced that earned laughs and giggles from us. "Are you sure you guys aren't dating behind our backs?"

Ugh. This topic again. I'm tired of justifying my case when they wouldn't even listen to me. I felt like talking to a wall.

"Forget that question, (Y/N). We absolutely trust you. Don't worry." Christa interjected, noticing the change of my expression. I saw Ymir rolled her eyes beside her.

"But if you did date, (Y/N). We literally would cheer for you. You guys look cute together!" Armin joined in, his genuine smile and happy eyes looked innocent that I knew he meant no harm in saying that.

Out of all people, Armin was the nicest one. For me, atleast. He always respected my personal space, he calls out Eren sometimes when he feels like Eren's too out of control, and he even leaves food for Sasha when she's hungry.

It was nice to have a friend like him.

"Say, (Y/N)" Jean spoke beside Connie, a smug present on his face. "Would you date Section Commander Hanji if you got the chance to?"

I wasn't much surprised for that question. But I was taken aback as I never really thought much of it. I won't sugarcoat anything, I do like Hanji. I admire her and her ways. But I wanted to know her more, see her in her worst, be present at her best. I want to know every little thing of her. I long to know her.

I exhaled, smirking as I answered, "Sure, why not? She's pretty and she's smart, I don't see why I shouldn't."


	6. Captain Levi

“Section Commander!” Connie exclaimed, his face turned to the woman in question behind him. Hanji. I'm doomed. “(Y/N) said you'll be back before dinner, we didn't expect you'd be back so early. Sorry for ehh... uhh... Occupying your room.” Christa stated, earning an assuring smile from the Section Commander.

Did she heard what I said? How long had she been there? Please! She's not even tiny that I hadn't noticed her. Had I been too caught in the moment that I overlooked? Gosh, whoever is in heavens, I could only pray she didn't heard the entire conversation. That'd be too embarrassing.

Soon enough, the others bid goodbye and promised to visit me tomorrow. Seeing as to how I'm gonna be stuck here for atleast days to recover. I just hope I wouldn't miss out any new training or learnings when I get back. I've always found it hard to catch up.

Hanji went directly to her desk, not bothering my presence nor my lingering, questioning stare. “Is there something wrong?” I asked almost comfortably I wanted to slap myself.

Because first and foremost, she's still my Squad leader and not to mention my Section Commander. If needed to show respect, I would have to do that. Yet somehow, I'd spend too much time around her for my own good that I'd forgotten that fact. The fact that she's a Superior and I'm nothing but a scout.

“Nothing. I apologize for intervening your time with your friends. That was selfish of me.” Ahh, there it is again. The apologizing. And it wasn't just that, that upsetted me. It was the way her tone had gone cold and the way she didn't bother to look up from her paperworks. I suppose I have no rights to be upset but I couldn't stop myself from being one. 

“Hanji, I know something's wrong. If you wanna talk about it, I'll be here to listen.” I asserted, in which she finally reacted; looking back up at me and pausing, trying to figure her thoughts out. “Please don't even dare to have second thoughts, Hanji. You can trust me with whatever.”

The brunette lets out a sigh, “It's just Levi. He said something that frustrated the shit out of me. That son of a bitch didn't even bother to sugarcoat for the sake of my feelings. Damnit.” Wow, I honestly had never heard of her lashing out and cursing so much in a row.

My face must've gave it all, because Hanji was suddenly groaning at herself. “I'm sorry that wasn't quite professional of me. I'll be okay (Y/N), don't worry about it.”

There's the sorry again. I'm certain she's said that atleast 10 times today.

Fuck me and these expressions of mine that people always misinterpret.

“Hanji, it's fine. Plus I don't want you to be professional infront of me. And wasn't it you who technically said to drop the formalities?” I retorted. She giggled slightly at that.

Well isn't she cute? 

Damnit. I'm falling deeper and deeper again. Ugh, there's even no use trying not to. One quick glance on her pretty face, I'd immediately fall head over heels for her. I can't deny it, it's like we've been together for eternity that in some way, it feels right to ask for her hand in marriage. Ridiculous, isn't it?

Hanji exhaled a, “Fine,” before shifting in her seat to fully look at my sitting down figure. Clearing her throat, she spoke, “Levi thinks I'm being clumsy and careless because of you. That I'm turning into a whole new absentminded scout. Which I'm not! It's simply frustrating, it was just one mistake awhile ago. And it won't happen again.” She hissed, frowning at the thought.

I was so confused. Because first, why would Captain Levi think Hanji turned like what he described— an absentminded soldier— because of me? Had I been distracting her so much? It's been two days! What the heck? 

“I'm... sorry? Look, Hanji. I'm honestly clueless why it's because of me.” I stated, expecting an answer from her but she remained silent in her thoughts; eyes slightly widened, her lips parted. “Hanji.” I called once more to snap her out of her thoughts.

“Ermmm.” The Section Commander scratched the back of her head, still not answering. I could never be more confused. I wouldn't deny it, I was kind of agitated. I hate it when people accuse me of something I have no idea. And somehow, Captain Levi did just that. Keep in mind, Captain, the all knowing, Levi. 

I stared at Hanji in dismay. She doesn't look like she has any plan on telling to. And truth be told, I kind of was disappointed. I don't know whether because she can't trust me or because of that grumpy Captain that accused me. 

Either way. I'm tired and disappointed. This day has been alot. I motioned to change my position, wanting to lay down and give myself some wanted rest.

Hanji, on the other hand— wasn't planning to give me one. Because the moment I laid still, she stood up and gave me a warm, soft, tender kiss on the forehead.

A kiss.

On the forehead.

I might as well die.

It gave me so many feelings I was practically frozen on my bed; the desire to pull her back, slam her on the wall and devour every inch of her body and lips was back. The desire to fuck her endlessly until she can't walk. Damnit. This is getting out of hand. 

“I'm sorry (Y/N). It's complicated. I'll be back with your dinner. Rest well.” She stated and before I knew it, she was gone and I was there staring in panic on the wall.

She just kissed me for heaven's sake! You can't blame me! That was... a really, really, soft kiss that I couldn't quite sink in. 

The butterflies were back in my stomach and my body was still recovering from the effects she had given me. Damnit! She wanted me to rest but she gave me a kiss on the forehead? She's a damn scientist. She should know kisses from a crush won't give someone rest.

And it didn't give me rest.

— — —

The door creaked open it snapped me out of horrid, disturbing thoughts of Hanji, that my heart jumped out of my chest. But instead of seeing a tall, brunette with a cheeky smile on her face... it was the short, raven, grumpy Captain Levi.

My heart left my chest the moment he closed the door and looked at me deadly in the eyes. It made me feel like I broke my mother's face and somehow, he's the mother and he found out. Oh my gosh, did I do anything wrong?

Wait. Shit! Is this about Hanji? 

“There's no use denying it, shithead. You like four eyes, she likes you. You both need to sort this out, or you'd be too distracted to fulfill your works as a soldier.” Busted. My eyes widened as he plainly, almost emotionlessly, said. Boy does he not know how to sugarcoat, I'm practically thinking of ways how to end myself out of embarassment.

Levi stared at me again for awhile, as if trying to read me and my reaction. I actually wasn't giving way any, I was too busy contemplating what he just said. “Tell me, brat. When did you start having crush on Hanji?” what the heck is he even asking? Just what in the right mind would someone admit they actually have a crush on someone, or telling them when, alone? “Lie on my face and I'll show you how painful my kick is.”

I gulped, he was a hard pass. No, not a hard pass, he was impossible to pass. I can't believe I'm even saying this but Levi's right, there was no use denying it. Well atleast, to him.

I sighed, muttering a small, “Just yesterday.” I could even feel my face heating up in embarassment despite the coldness in Hanji's room. “But what makes you sure Ha— Section Commander likes me back? Don't she like guys like normal girls do?” I asks, unsure if that was the right thing to say. But I was too curious.

Levi smirked and leaned against the door, crossing his arms across his chest. “There is one thing you should know, (Y/N). Hanji is never normal.” He said so expertly. That I don't oppose. Hanji for all I know was the definition of confusion and weirdo in Scout Regiment. And you can say Dot Pixis in the Garrison. 

It still didn't give me a reassurance that Hanji actually does like me, though. I mean sure, she isn't normal and probably isn't into guys. But I'm not the only girl to ever exist. I'm not even sure I'm that type of girl to get someone's attention. 

I'm not Mikasa.

“Section Commander liking girls isn't a reason why she likes me. There's many fish in the sea for all I know, Captain.” I snapped back, his smirk grew wider as I did. Gosh I wanted to kick him and wipe that smug off so bad. 

“Has there ever been a moment between the two of you that you just can't tell someone?” Levi retorted. The instant he blurted that out, the scene in the lab— her fingers on my lips, the way she practically moaned and parted my lips. Oh gosh. The flirting. How come I'd overlook that? But still... isn't that supposed ot be expected of Hanji? She gets freaked out during experiments. That doesn't cross me out. “But if incase you still can't believe me. See for yourself.”

Levi approached my bed— no, me. With silent footsteps that my heart beating fast could only be heard in the entire room. He stopped for a little while to look down on me, the smirk was still present. What the heck is he even planning to do? The moment we heard Hanji humming on the other side; my lingering question was answered.

I froze in my place as Levi leaned his body and face close to mine, his left knee was between my legs and the other remained standing on the floor enough to support his weight. I was so surprised I couldn't move a muscle, his face was so, so close, it practically brought me back to the memory in the lab with Hanji. Fuck. His lips were inches away from mine and I had no plan to kiss him. It's disgusting! Yet Captain Levi didn't look like he planned to move.

We looked so intimate that anyone who'd walk in through that door right now would probably think of having... sex. And sure enough, the door bursted open.

Hanji's gasp and a clatter rang on my ears that I had the guts to push Captain Levi off of me with unexpectedly big strength. I sat up and my eyes came in contact with hers. 

Fuck. Hanji looked so... shocked and hurt. It looked like she would cry any second. Captain Levi on the other hand, had no emotions plastered on his face. But I knew he secretly felt triumphant. I never wanted to kill someone so violently so bad. I didn't like this, I didn't like hurting Hanji. Gosh, I can hurt anyone but her.

“Han— Section Commander—”

“GET THE FUCK OUT LEVI!” 

Shit! This is bad.

My eyes widened in surprise and I could hardly breathe as she roared that sentence to Levi. He cocked a brow, then looking back at me with a slight smirk. “Why? I was having a good time with (Y/N) right here, that until you came in, shitty glasses.” 

Talk about adding fuel to fire. I shot a deadly glare at Levi, I was so certain we are both dead meat, because if there's anything I knew about Hanji. It's how dangerous she is when angry, and boy she's practically breathing fire right now. 

The next that happened, however, wasn't something I expected. Hanji marched close to Levi and grabbed him violently by his collar— now forcing him to get out. He didn't look bothered, and let himself be kicked out. 

It was his fault for lying, he deserved that shit. But I wasn't quite ready for Hanji's broken expression when she closed the door and looked at my direction.

She looked so frustrated, so hurt and betrayed. Almost as if someone had broken her heart. And someone did. Fuck it, I was the someone. 

“Hanji—” I tried to reason, but she cut me off with a soft, trembling voice, “Do you fancy Levi, (Y/N)? Do you find him attractive? Do you like him? Tell me, (Y/N), what's something in him that you like so much?”

My breathing hitched. Hanji looked terribly hurt that all I wanted to do was stand up and hug her on the spot, but my feet wouldn't move. I wanted to comfort her so bad but I was stuck frozen in my place.

Hanji didn't look like she wanted the answer badly though, because the next moment I blinked— she devoured my mouth.

I sat there frozen. Contemplating. Sinking in. Perplexed. Confused. Hurt. Hurt because I failed to tell her the truth. That it was all just a lie. That I don't like Levi. That it was her I fancy, it was her I find attractive, it was her I like. It was Hanji that I want.

I kissed back just as fiercely as she did, hooking my arms around her neck as I pulled her closer and closer to me, our bodies touching in the process. She had my face between her delicate, soft hand, deepening the kiss. Fuck, she tasted like strawberries. The more I devoured and kissed her mouth, the more I was addicted I couldn't pull back. I really can't. She was a magnet. She was a whole damn desert that I've been wanting to taste. I bit her lip and it was then that she moaned when I battled with her tongue, our lips passionately moving like it had their own minds.

Shit, I'm so turned on. 

Hanji's constant moan and groan of need made the monster in me almost escape. Almost. Before I thought of how wrong this was.

She tasted so good. Her lips, her mouth, this kiss was everything. But it was wrong. It was so, so wrong. As much as I wanted to admit how good it feels, it was still wrong. It took a lot of effort to push her back— did I only then notice the tears streaming down her face.

We both sat on the bed in silence, before I spoke to ease the unnerving tension. “Levi lied.” 

“W-what?” Her head snapped at me, confusion written all over her face. 

Hanji looked so adorable and confused as she said that that it took alot of restraining to hold myself back from kissing her again. My lips somehow still thirsty for hers.

“Levi lied, Hanji. He told me that we both needed to sort out things, that you like me. I didn't want to believe him— so he had to prove it.” I softly assured, my hand involuntarily reached for her face to wipe the tear that escaped. Baby. “I don't fancy him, Hanji. I don't like him, nor does he have something that I like. But you, on the other hand— you're someone that I want to spend my every second with. You are the one that I like, Hanji.”

Her face lit up as I said that, the tears however, continued to stream down her face. I hated it, I hated the fact that I had hurt her. Even for a moment. I hated the fact that she ever thought of me liking anyone else but her. I hated it.

“Hanji... I want to take things slow. I want to know you more. The good and the bad, I want to know it all. I like you, Hanji.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted you and hanji to take things slow first. i mean, you barley know hanji except for a few facts of course. but expect some intimacy between you and her for the upcoming chapters.
> 
> by the way, snowman by sia (i don't support the artist btw) is highly recommended when reading this fic. that is, if i finish it.
> 
> also, thank u so much for the kind feedbacks! it made my week!


	7. Punishment

It was so strange. We were asking each other questions and the next moment we were laying down on the bed, side by side almost awkwardly. I had suggested that, because I was exhausted— but I regret what I said. The tension was back, our breathing and the beating of our hearts were the only thing I could hear. The distressing silence filling the whole room.

In a swift motion, Hanji turned her whole body to the side to look at me, eyes pierced through mines. Gosh, I couldn't remember any time she didn't look this pretty, this perfect, this hot and gorgeous. Hanji seriously, will be the death of me. My stupid heart jumped again.

“(Y/N), did you remember what you told me earlier when you woke up?” She asks, I didn't know if it was for the sake of asking or to break the silence that's been bothering both of us.

The question made me freeze, though.

I clearly remembered what I said. What my stupid, unzipped mouth blurted out. But you can't blame me! I woke up from pure blackness and there she was suddenly on top of me, sweating and heavily breathing; which I found really hot, her brown eyes were fixated on mines.

I wouldn't even deny it, she did look hot as a top. “Forget that, I was just shocked.” I embarrassedly answered, avoiding the grin forming on her face. Gosh, she liked teasing me by the looks of it. “Hanji, I swear if you won't stop teasing me I'll yeet you out of your own bed!” I exclaimed, earning a throaty chuckle from her which I acknowledged. Her laughter was music to my ears.

She muttered an audible, "Alright, alright.” before she positioned herself on her back again, staring at her white ceiling. I, however, could only look at her exquisite side profile. It almost came off as a surprise to me how things changed so quick. 

I was just inlove with Mikasa a few days back, then came yesterday. And before I knew it, I found myself falling inlove with no one but Hanji. I mean it. I couldn't see myself with anyone but her, she was so different that I felt so challenged. Hanji Zoë wasn't typical. And I liked her for that.

“Did you mean it, though?” The brunette beside me questioned, not bothering to tear her eyes off the ceiling. When unanswered, she cleared her throat to add, “The 'you look so hot as a top' thingy. Did you mean it?” 

I gulped, looking away from her face to the same ceiling her eyes were glued unto. Geez, I couldn't answer to that. That'd be too embarrassing to admit. But her voice, her hopeful voice that I couldn't not feel guilty if I ignore, it was present. 

So stuttering, I replied in embarrassment, “Yeah. Like what I said, I was shocked. It isn't everyday that I see someone I admire sweating on top of me.” I reasoned, and I finally felt her head tilt to my direction.

I restrained myself from looking at her, seeing as to how I felt a smile forming on her face— that I very well know if I take a quick glance at how adorable it is, I might not be able to stop myself from taking Hanji here and now. 

“I don't know whether I should be happy or turned on. You're confusing me, (Y/N).”

“Be both.”

We laughed at that. 

It didn't take long until I drifted off to sleep, I was so tired I couldn't appreciate Hanji's lips tenderly pressed against my forehead as she mumbled a good night. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow.

But today was so exhausting, many things happened with all these overdosed and Captain Levi shit. Not to mention the making out with Hanji after she got jealous. Damn, I didn't even had the chance to eat dinner because of that. Either way, it felt fulfilling to know Hanji tasted like strawberries.

Fuck, I long to taste that sweet lips of her again. 

— — —

5 days have passed, I learned so much about Hanji it came off as a shock. She had seen her mother die infront of her eyes by a burglar; her father was out in an expediton during that time. Trying to follow in her father's footsteps, she joined the Survey Corps when she was 15 despite her father's warnings. Hanji's first expedition set all the hatred she got for the titans when they ate his father— leaving only his cloak that Hanji is using right now. 

I was so confused as she was telling that, since I knew Hanji as a titan lover and freak. She glared at me for cutting off then went on to explain how she felt immense pity on them. It was also during an expediton that it happened; when Hanji kicked off a titan's head and found out how light it was despite their size.

I kind of understand why she had a change of heart, and why she basically kinks titans right now. I still can't be budged though, titans are still our enemies. Enemies will always be enemies. Not that I had a traumatic experience with them.

Which brings me to think about how much I hate myself for not being able to tell Hanji about... well... something that I haven't told others. 

It's not that I don't trust Hanji, I do. I always will. But I don't have enough courage to tell her. Must be because I still haven't gotten myself over that day. 

“Someone please HELP ME!” Connie yelled from the barracks, we immediately ran over to him just to see Sasha biting his hand. “She's a psychopath!!” He yelped, shedding tears for his wounded hand.

Jean and Eren held unto Sasha's waist to try pull her off, Armin and Christa tried to pull Connie off of Sasha's unexpectedly tight hug. And strong teeth. Mikasa, Ymir and I only watched over a distance.

The punishment we had— technically the former Levi Squd had— had taken effect just today, when I was finally announced alright from the incident a few days back. Talk about luck, right?

Which why Sasha's world is practically ending. She loves breakfast; always claiming it was the best part of everyday. Captain Levi did play his cards well. 

“Hey (Y/N)!"

“Fuck!— I mean h-hey, Section Commander.” I jumped out of my place. Hanji had been creeping behind me with an intention to scare the shit out of me. And did it work well. “Do you need anything?” I asked after seeing the looks on Ymir and Mikasa.

She nodded her head and told me we needed to speak in private. Hanji led me to her room and locked the doors behind her it almost tensed me out. Calm down (Y/N), calm down.

Hanji must've sensed my panic, because she sat down with a giggle coming out of her lips. “Don't worry shortie, I'm not gonna bite you or anything,” she momentarily paused, then with a slight flirty tone; continued “Unless you want me to.” She ended the short speech with a wink that I started to feel unwanted things.

Is it just me or is it just really hot in Hanji's place? I groaned at myself and sat down on Hanji's bed, honestly, I missed the warmth and comfiness of her bed. Since I got moved back to my own room with Sasha 3 days ago— I had been longing the way I slept so good and long in her room. I laid myself down.

“You know I'm not even that short. I'm taller than Captain Levi and most of my comrades.” I stated, she answered with a cocked eyebrow meant to throw me off. “Geez I'm still 18 you giant! I'm still gonna grow up and probably gonna grow taller than you.” With that, she scoffed and I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes.

It was when Hanji started flipping pages on her notes that I remembered why we came here in the first place. Clearing my throat, I sat up hastily and tried to keep myself formal.

Using my neutral tone, I asked, “So Section Commander, what is it that you need?” Hanji didn't look up from her notes and kept flipping, sometimes scribbling and tearing other pages to replace it with new ones. “Section Commander?”

“I really don't know who the Section Commander you're calling for, (Y/N). Hanji Zoë's here though, mind if she takes place for your dearest Section Commander for now?” 

I chuckled with her answer. Times like these I get to question myself just how cocky Hanji can get. I usually don't notice her being like these with other people— maybe except Captain Levi and the other veterans, as they were the only scouts I've ever seen Hanji with.

Which reminds me how funny Hanji's peace offering with Levi was the day after the, get-the-fuck-out-Levi! crap she yelled due to her jealousy. I wouldn't blame her for that outrage though, it must really hurt to see the one you like for months with someone you trust on the bed intimately. But Hanji did gave Levi a peace offering when he went to her room per Erwin's orders, it was even a miracle to see him slightly smile. 

That felt soo illegal to see. 

I even heard them both chuckle as they went out to see the Commander. And chuckle? Levi? Captain, evil, Levi? Hah, beats me! I've been asking Hanji what she gave him, but she brushed it off that I practically did what I hated the most; puppy eyes. She still didn't told me though. Much for my annoyance.

“Sure, so Hanji Zoë... what is it that you need?” I asked back just as cockily as she is. Hanji smirked at that, still not bothering to answer. “Hey I'm serious, I'm in a hurry to help others clean the garden. Blame your Captain Levi and his short temper.” I grumbled.

Hanji huffed and finally stood up infront of me, eyeing me. Shit. There was something in her eyes I couldn't quite make out. It was a mix of desire and... lust? 

Oh gosh! That's just so wrong to think or question. She's a pure, sweet girl, unlike me. We're basically the definition of opposite. If I was harsh, who don't give a fuck about other's feelings— with the exemption of my friends, of course—, Hanji was sweet, endearing and cute. Even if there are times her unknowingly top energy gets unleashed. 

“I really don't want to punish you, (Y/N), but well it actually isn't me who's punishing you but it's an order from Commander Erwin, I wouldn't call it a punishment but it kind of sounds like because well, you're gonna be—”

“Hanji you're slacking off. Are you alright?” I asked out of concern as she was suddenly making weird hand movements with her eyes focused on the wall behind me. I knew something was wrong, well not wrong-wrong but something still is up.

Hanji groaned, “Commander Erwin wants you to be with me for every experiment I do. Specifically the one we'll be doing in 3 months. Ugh! I don't even know why!” She exclaimed in annoyance and grabbed her head as she slumped her butt down beside me. “I'm so sorry.”

— — —

“Aaahhhh!” I groaned, yelling in agony, disappointment, anger, frustration, and just flat out from madness at both myself and this shitty unending papers infront of me. “I'd rather do garden cleaning with the others than this! Commander Erwin's so evil! He's like, Captain Levi version 2!”

Hanji smiled, writing things on her own files one by one before putting them all together into a folder. Gosh, this was hell. Just then I thought it was Captain Levi! What a rip off. 

I had been assigned to accompany Hanji in her crazy experiments, I had been excited. But I didn't expect a hoard of paperworks yeeted on my face. Hanji explained that her next experiment was gonna be next week, so for the meantime we were gonna sort out the pending ones and try to get them approved by Commander Erwin.

Apparently, this was what we get for hiding the truth from him. I should've known the Commander's too smart not to know about the incident 5 days ago. It wasn't that big, per se, but Erwin likes to overreact in pretty much... all stuff.

The only good thing coming out of this punishment was that Captain Levi was out there probably raging in anger as well. He had been kept out of training for this week, Nanaba and Miche were the ones training our new squad for now. 

“Erwin's actually much more evil than Levi.” Hanji stated from her desk, making me look up in astonishment. All this time, I've believed that Captain Levi was the worst of all but looking back— Hanji actually made a good point. “But they're just evil because this world molded them to be one, you know? Erwin and Levi... they're actually pretty kind. Well, to me, yes. I can't say the same for others or you.”

I hummed as a response, then focused my attention on the paperworks again. I've finished about 20, for Hanji, I have no idea but I can say much more than I have. She's a paper monster. 

“(Y/N), about that experiment happening in 3 months... Are you sure you'll be fine with it?” She asks concernly, stopping her hands from scribbling, attentive to what I was about to say.

“Yeah? Why wouldn't I be? I love exploring abandoned places. Much more if it's a tower.”

Hanji lets out a rather disappointed sigh I didn't know if I caused. But it concerned the heck out of me on as to why she was making such a big of a deal. “Is something wrong, Hanji? Don't you want me to go with you?” I questioned softly as I shifted on my seat to fully look at her sitting figure.

“Of course I do. It's just that...” scratching the back of her neck, she turned to look at me— our eyes meeting again. “I don't want you to get hurt, alright? It's going to be snowing, who knows what would happen to us during that 48 hours of wandering. I'm just concerned for our well beings, (Y/N).”


	8. Mess Hall

I stared at Hanji in surprise. I knew I meant something to her but I didn't know I meant this much. It was awestrucking and charming to know. It's been so long since I've felt so wanted and so treasured. Too long.

“Hanji...” her worried expression softened at my call, clearing her throat as she continued to focus her attention on the papers she momentarily stopped writing on. “We'll be fine, plus 3 months is long. We still have so much time to prepare.” I reassured softly, in which she coldly hummed.

I didn't know she was this concerned. Either way, I still felt so awestrucked by the way her eyes met mine with such concern awhile ago. I liked that. Might fuck around and risk my life just to see that expression on her face again.

Hah! Just kidding... unless? I continued to sort out the papers again. It wasn't much to look at; just a bunch of signatures and empty lines with Hanji's extraordinary ideas prompted as a title on the top, I begin to question just how much tolerance Hanji actually has. If, truthfully, it wasn't for her, I would've dumped these trashes into the garbage and might stamp on it, I don't know. But as the time passed by, my hatred for these files grew stronger as ever. 

Just what kind of devil would send a 200 paper file to look at individually? Oh right, Commander Erwin. The big, giant blond everybody looks up to, yet now there's nothing more than I want to do but punch him in the gut. Forget his title.

Hanji lets out a sigh, hands dropped on her sides as she looked straight into her ceiling. “Do you want to take a break, (Y/N)? I bet you're tired.” She stated, looking at me.

I really want to, but I couldn't go out relaxing while she's stuck here with these mad papers. I play fair, so standing up— I approached her sitting figure and bent down to her eye level— her breathing slightly hitched for a second.

Gosh that reaction was hot. “Let's go do that together, shall we? I feel like we've been stuck in this room all day, no offense Hanji, but it isn't the most ideal room to relax at. I can say the same for you.” I blurted out.

It took a lot of staring, not just in the eyes, but on the lips. Have I mentioned how hot she actually is when she does that? Damnit, it's too much. She's too much. Hanji is just too much for me to handle. I've never wanted more than to push her against her desk and devour that sweet, pretty, pink lips of hers while I lavish my hands on her— okay enough thinking.

I stood straight before I could lose my shit and took a step back, heavily breathing at the sight of her. Of just her. 

See what I'm talking about her being too much? Just a look in that pretty eyes, I'm already losing myself. “What do you say?” I finally spoke after that long pause, flashing her a small smile. “Now don't be a buzzkill, I don't wanna have to drag your 170 long figure out.” 

“You've stalked my file?” Hanji snapped, then smirking, she added cockily, “Creep!”

I snorted at the accuse, not bothering to defend myself because one way or another; I really am a creep especially when she's around. Her presence just brings the monster out of me that I've been trying to restraint, but as each day goes by, the monster seems to be getting stronger. I've been afraid. The possibilities of what I might do to Hanji when I couldn't control myself anymore might get out of hand. 

I motioned for her to stand up, and stand up she did before walking towards me, accidentally brushing her arm past mine— sending a shiver down my spine. 

Fuck. It really might get out of hand.

It didn't took long before I gathered my shit together. I thought it'd be better to go to the mess hall where we could eat. It's not because we haven't eaten breakfast, per se, but being stuck for hours with only the papers really does make you feel starving. Hanji was walking painfully quiet beside me, she wasn't like this back then. But I figured it must've been because of the nerve wracking experiment we'll be doing in 3 months.

Truth be told, I don't see it much of a challenge, as far as I know, it'll just be snowing and we'll just be exploring an abandoned tower for supplies she might need or the Survey Corps might need. Either way, there's nothing to really be afraid of. We'll be cautious when we encounter frozen lakes, and though I doubt there are polar bears around here; we'll be extra cautious not to run into one. The only problem that we can't be cautious of is when an unexpected storm happens. A storm means lower chance of survival, especially since it'll be snowing. So we could only hope one of us is fast enough to find a shelter where we'd stay for the night and hope for Moblit to find us since he's going to be fetching both of us in the tower next morning.

The mess hall was empty, not to add dirty. Nevertheless, Hanji and I sat down on the corner table; our lunches being potato soup and bread. The meal was so typical I practicality slumped my butt down in annoyance followed by a groan.

“This is why I'm never hungry, it's the same old meal. Nothing much to expect.” That much was true except when there's a celebration and the higher ups are kind enough to share their meat. Until then, it was just this. Sometimes sugar bars.

It's a crazy, ungrateful world. I'm not just talking for myself, but for the whole scouts; we're basically putting our lives in danger and oathed to protect this horrid world from titans just for them to pay us back with these. People can't even cheer for us at times we go on expedition, the least they can do is feed us food that could save us from hunger.

“During days off, the veterans and I actually cook our own meals. If you want to, you can come with me next week.” Hanji said, pausing to sip the soup. “We can prepare for my next titan experiment while we're at it. What do you say?”

It was tempting. I badly want to spend more time with Hanji, and yes, prepare for her upcoming experiments too. But it'd be too awkward with the other veterans, not to mention 2 of the people I hate the most and have been seen as devils are there. 

I let out a sigh. Both from frustration and exhaustion those unending papers caused. The scorching headache from the incident a few days back were somehow still present, often leaving when it feels like it. Gulping down the soup, I avoided her gaze as I mumbled an, “I can't.” I could feel her stopping in her place to stare at me.

And possibly my soul.

Gosh, it's heating up again. I don't know whether it's because the mess hall is just really hot in particular or it's because of the gaze Hanji's flashing at me at the moment. Why does her pretty, brown eyes turn into an absolute destruction that I couldn't bear to see when she's somehow let down? I didn't even mean for it to let her down.

“Is something wrong, (Y/N)?” Hanji finally asked after the unnerving silence. Which I may add by the way, is extremely awkward! “I thought you wanted more than these meals. Plus, Levi is a really good cook. Why are you holding back yourself?”

Exactly, why am I holding back myself? I was almost convinced it was because of the 2 veterans that's one of the reasons of my suffering right now, but I knew deep down it wasn't just that.

I don't want Hanji to take this the wrong way. There's no doubt that I like her, I do, so much. And I meant what I said to her a week ago. But with all that's been happening, it's been too much for me. All these training I've been trying to catch up, all these papers I'll have to work on and all these experiments that'll leave both of us Hanji exhausted. I need to gather myself. No matter how much I want to spend time with Hanji, it's no question that I've been losing control and that is a bad, bad sign. 

I opened my mouth to speak, but I immediately shut it close when I felt her hand run up my thigh in a rather, sexily, erotically way. My eyes could only widen at the contact while I froze there in my place, clueless on what to do.

She incisively drew circles with her fingers and I couldn't help but suck on my breathe. Man, Hanji really knew how to draw her cards right. She's fucking insane for this and I love her for it. 

“Is this what you want, (Y/N)? You've been wanting this, yes?” She asks and I couldn't not notice how she used her flirty tone that's always been so pleasing to my ears. Gosh, what the fuck are we even doing? It's wrong, yet somehow, just so right. “Darling, would you be kind enough to answer?” Hanji challenged and before I could even process my thoughts— Hanji's hand expertly travelled up and I let out an audible gasp, my hand briefly holding her wrist. 

“S...stop... Hanji, we can't. Not here.” I stated, but my shockingly heavy breathing was saying otherwise.

Shit. Did the touch felt good? Yes, so much! I hadn't anticipated she would do such scandalous thing, but if there was one thing I know— Hanji was always scandalous. It's terrifying. The second thing I also have learned about her— she doesn't fucking listen.

“HANJI—”

“Shhh...”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

It felt so good, so satisfying. Just plainly good. Her fingers had magically unbuttoned my trousers and had slip expertly right into mines. I had to hold unto her wrist for support. And fuck, I never wanted to be fucked by her more than now. She knew so well. She knew too much it should be illegal for her to do this to me.

It's making me go out of control. And she proved it just as she curled the finger inserted in me as my head rolled back in pleasure; her eyes watching my every reaction. Shit, it felt so, so, so good I could hardly breathe at how much pleasure it shot through me.

Damnit, I couldn't care less who walks through that door right now and see us do miracle in the mess hall infront of food. There's nothing more I want than Hanji to play those long, slicky fingers inside mines.

Hanji grabbed unto my waist and miraculously carried my figure to sit on top of hers, I leaned unto the table as I finally breathed, feeling lightheaded as she released me from her hold— my clit was still throbbing from the contact it had with her finger earlier. You couldn't blame me for this, it felt too good to be true I couldn't be able to stop her from doing it.

“Darling,” Hanji paused momentarily to run her fingers up my hair, then tugging on it; I gasped loudly as she started sucking on my neck. Expertly. Sexily. Beautifully that I couldn't help but involuntarily moan at the pleasure. Both from her lips and the friction between our bodies. 

I felt like I was on fire of some sort. “Hanjiii... don't.... stop. Please.” I pleaded, begging for more attention. Hanji only continued sucking my neck, purposely avoiding my chest and my earlobe where it fuckings screams for attention. “Darlingg.”

She stopped that I almost squirmed at the lost of contact, but the second she looked me right in the eye I knew something was up. “(Y/N), there's much more you need to know about me. I want you to come next week, okay? That's not a question of a yes or no, darling. You'll need to be there.” Hanji sternly stated, and for once, my clit stopped throbbing at the sight of her blank eyes.

She looked hurt. Broken. Empty. A lifeless soul with the mention of 'there's much more you need to know about me'. I couldn't stop myself from placing both my hands on her face— leaning in to place a soft, tender, comforting and quick kiss in which she immediately reacted by hooking her arms around my waist. Her lips tasted the same. Strawberries. Sweet strawberries I couldn't help but grin.

“I told you I wanted to know you, both good and bad. Whatever it might be, Hanji, I want you to know that it won't push me far away from you. And it won't change the spark I have for you, darling. Okay?” I didn't want her to feel bad for herself. I knew there was much more of Hanji than just a freaky, titan obsessed scientist. I was ready to whatever she might just reveal to me.

I was ready. I knew that.

She sighed, flashing a smile as she finally let go of me— buttoning my pants before she carried me back unto my seat. “Okay. I trust you, (Y/N).”

The smiled she showed was genuine, finally. I held her hand and gently squeezed it, and the look I earned showed just how much Hanji had been longing for a loving touch. May it be from a lover or a family. She had been longing for their warmth. For love. For everything she's missing out on after losing her loved ones.

She had been longing. And I will do everything I can to make sure she'll be satisfied in the end. Someone like her deserves it. Someone who had been too caught up to correct the world that she couldn't satisfy her own needs and wants. Someone like Hanji.

“Hanji, I'll be there next week.” I announced, earning a ruffling on my hair as she had favored my hair too much. We both chuckled before finishing our meal— heading immediately back to the paperworks.

Gosh, (Y/N). If it means to keep Hanji happy, there's no more self denying now. Even with the monster inside me present, I need not to restraint it now. Even if I lose control, I know I'll be okay if I let myself go wild. With Hanji. I know I will be fine.


	9. Conflict and Chocolates

"I can't believe her!" I exclaimed, slumping on my bed. My head ached so bad I might as well just spend the whole day sleeping. But that wasn't an option. I had to finish my works and I've got this conflict with Hanji I couldn't seem to understand. "Can you believe it, Sasha? She's avoiding me because I apparently had been smooching with Captain Levi!"

Sasha looked down at me reluctantly, her uneasiness evident on her face. Gosh, that was bold of me to bring people in my problem. But I really needed someone to hear me out, I feel like exploding in both fury and confusion. I just don't understand Hanji at all.

Does anyone ever? It's been 2 days since that scandal we did in the mess hall. During those days we were both fine, still working on her experiments and doing bunch of paperwork which I may add, are additional stress to my already stressful life. Then just this morning after breakfast, when I visited Captain Levi to catch him up what we've been doing during training; Hanji called me out and told me it's funny how I couldn't do paperwork because I was busy flirting with Captain Levi.

She was so upset she basically avoided me all morning. I wanted to confront her an hour ago, but it seems as if Hanji knew what I was gonna do that she left the headquarters early, claiming she was going somewhere with Moblit. So here I am, with Sasha in our room-- finishing off the papers Hanji handed me this morning.

Sasha hesitantly grabbed the leftover lunch I brought, eating it while muttering audibly, "I don't know, (Y/N), I really just went to finish your lunch." She smiled sheepishly I couldn't help but giggle at crumbs she got between her teeth. This girl never knew how to chew. 

After finishing off my food, Sasha stayed and sat beside me, her light brown hair that's coincidentally tied in a high ponytail made me remember of Hanji. I sighed at the thought of her-- yes, I wanted to solve our conflict as soon as possible, but I really wanted to rest and brush it off. I have a scorching headache the recent accident caused and a hungry stomach because I spent my lunch looking for Hanji.

And it was rude to stop Sasha from eating as that's her lifestyle, plus she did seem more starved than I do. I figured I'll just satisfy my hunger during dinner. Only, having a headache and an empty stomach doesn't give you much of an energy; my eyelids were practically closing on its own as I try to keep up with the papers I had on my nightstand.

Sasha didn't fail to notice, "Oi, (Y/N), you look tired. Maybe lay off for awhile?"

Hmm. That was appealing to think of. I just couldn't until I finish though, I wouldn't want to upset Hanji further when she comes back. She might even assume I spent my time with Levi that I couldn't complete my task. You never know what goes on in that mind of hers.

Hanji's complicated. No doubt.

"I'm fine. Don't you have better things to do?" I asked, trying to change the topic. Sasha was the one who never stops talking, she was always lively and cheerful. A friend you'd need when things go down. It was Sasha-- that's why I needed her to keep talking to keep me awake as I was practically drifting off. Just don't trust your food with her, though. One moment it's there, the next it's already been chomped down by her.

She shook her head no, settling herself on my bed. I wouldn't lie, the bunk bed we've been given was pretty hard it gives us a stiff back in the morning. "Nope! Well, I did. But I wanted to check in on you... and your leftovers." Sasha grinned.

I snorted at that, still reading the papers. It was another of Hanji's ideas, it was one of those papers I need to rewrite as Hanji's hasty handwriting was almost unreadable for others. Luckily it was easy to decipher for me, it was awfully the same handwriting my... well, you can say close friend, had. So I never really had much trouble in reading it. Only, it's tiring to rewrite that there are times my fingers end up sore. 

"By the way, (Y/N), about Section Commander Hanji. What happened?" She asked, startled as I snapped my head rather surprisingly at her direction. I was hesitating to answer, seeing that Sasha always ends up misinterpreting everything. I would never forget the iconic rumor she started on her own; the me-and-Hanji-dating rumor that I bet is still going around.

But what could I lose? Hanji seems to not care-- atleast for today. And whatever happens tomorrow, I don't know. I guess unless we settle this little problem of ours, we'd still be the same; avoiding and playing cat and mouse. "She got furious. I don't know why, but she found me and Captain Levi chatting and kept avoiding me right after." I hesitantly answered, immediately bringing my attention back to rewriting Hanji's paper. "Nevermind, Sasha. It's just nothing, Hanji probably had a bad day." I brushed off.

Unfortunately for me, Sasha wasn't the kind to put something down that quick. She shifted on her place to wholly look at my crouching down figure.

"Maybe Section Commander's jealous."

I paused, unable to say anything right after. She did got a point for that, but Hanji? Jealous? That just doesn't seem right. She's a scientist, she knows practically everything, why would she assume Captain Levi and I were smooching and flirting other than she's got a bad day? 

"Come to think of it, (Y/N), Section Commander Hanji's bubbly and that's no doubt! But ever since you two got close, it's like she's been ripped off from the mask she kept hiding on. I wouldn't be surprised if one day, she's all cool." Sasha blurted out.

That left me speechless. I haven't been so attentive of Hanji during training as I was too focused on excelling myself in ODM gears. She was always bubbly around me, though I wouldn't deny there are remarkable times she unexpectedly spits off an awful situation she went through and would go quiet and thoughtful after. Other than that, Hanji was always happy. I may have been wrong about her. 

This just really proves how still little I know of Hanji, and it makes me feel awful. I wanted to know her wholly, I wanted to share the burden she's currently carrying-- though it doesn't seem like she's carrying such, I know she secretly is. Hanji's just too good at hiding it.

"I'm not sure (Y/N), for others it might be a lost, but for me it isn't. Hanji-san being able to showcase her real feelings and not laugh it off like she usually does is good for her." The brunette added once more, nothing but truth coming out of her mouth. I wanted to tell her the same, honestly, I've noticed Sasha's masks; yet she seemed comfortable that way. So I kept it to myself.

I nodded my head in anticipation and shot her a small smile before focusing on the paper again. 

\- - - 

Hanji arrived at night, really late at night that I couldn't eat anything due to worry and anxiety. Gosh I wanted to settle our problems so bad. What Sasha said enlightened me so much in confronting her.

I was at the barracks in my casual clothes; a tank top and comfy pants, waiting for her arrival. It was then when I saw Moblit walking around with files on his hands that I found out she came back. Moblit told me she was in her lab working heavens know what. From what I know, Hanji never sleeps, so it's advantageous for me. 

I need to have her all night by myself without any interruption.

I boldly knocked at the door, hearing her cheerful, "Just a minuteee!" right after. Then within a second, the door swung open and her widened brown orbs met mine for a split millisecond before she decided to look away. Her softened, cheerful expression turned into something ugly, an expression to clearly show someone she's not interested in you. Gosh, it's no doubt Hanji's still on it.

"Am I welcome?" I politely asked, using my neutral voice this time. I didn't want to come off comfortable when she practically wanted me away from her. Well, for today that is.

I could see her slightly hesitating, but after a minute of just us standing in silence-- she stepped away from the door to give me space to enter, not bothering to blurt out anything. Great, what a nice start, am I right? I groaned mentally in my mind, praying to heavens Hanji might be stop this coldness she's throwing at me.

I placed myself in the center of her lab, the clear memories of our last moment in here came across my thoughts. The memories of us undeniably flirting. It was the same day that started what we have now-- a chaotic, confusing mess. I scanned the lab, nothing much changed, it was still the same lab as I remembered. But the scent was... off. Huh? My head turned to the direction of something that smelled rather familiar-- two bars placed on the table she's clearly been working on-- dark chocolate. 

No doubt Hanji made it herself. It's quiet expensive so I wouldn't expect her to go around and spend money when she can make it just fine. But why? And for who? Is she seeing someone tomorrow? As far as I know, she hasn't had any meetings. So what's with the chocolate? 

"Smells nice." I spoke, shaking the million questions in my head. It wasn't just the right time to entertain such.

I was truthfully surprised of the smell, her lab had stunk last time. But today it's just, chocolate. The smell of dark chocolate, my favorite flavor.

Hanji leisurely approached the table behind me, biting her lip in what I can say was regret. "It's just the chocolate..." She reasoned, gathering all her strength to avoid touching me as she reached her destination. I must applause her for her effort, I've never felt so avoided and hurt like I do now.

I sighed as I shut my eyes close, I was starting to regret this. But this is what I came here for, right? To settle our conflicts-- as little as it may be-- since it's clearly affecting our relationship. I opened my eyes, catching a sight of her working with the chocolate again. Damnit, I didn't wanna do this, if only it wasn't necessary. Truth be told, it isn't, well atleast for her, but it is for me. I valued Hanji. I value her alot. She's been my everyday relief despite the stress the Survey Corps currently is giving me.

Gathering all the strength I have left, I shoved Hanji against the nearest shelf in attempt to communicate without her getting all avoid-y; earning a small gasp from the Section Commander. Shit, I bit the inside of my mouth. She smelled nice today. She always did, no offense, but she smelled nicer. 

To my surprise, Hanji didn't struggle, letting me do my own way. Our bodies were in a close proximity; my thigh in between of her knees, my hands tightly clutching hers on both sides and my face inches away from her. It was starting to get heated again. Like always. Her lab and her room just happens to be always hot.

"Stop this." I managed to choke out, unable to ignore the sexual tension.

She was so damned hot that I couldn't quite ignore it. I don't even know how or why. I just know she is. Hanji's just too good to be real that anyone who overlooked that is nothing but a fool. Nothing but someone who wasted a good opportunity in their lives. Shit. There's that same feeling again. The same desire. The desire to devour her roughly without mercy.

The desire to fuck her shamelessly until she screams my name.

"Are you mad?" Hanji softly asked, making it sound like a whisper. Despite our height differences and the awkward, close, position we're in-- her voice almost made her look and feel small. Goodness, this woman. Here I was thinking she was mad at me only for her to ask the same thing I've been assuming she's feeling all day. "I clouded myself with jealousy. I'm sorry. I'm just so upset to see you like that... with Levi. You look too close." Her eyes were fixed intently on my hair, though I doubt it's also just because it's the only thing she can see in her eye level.

I sighed, relieved at the statement. Painfully and slowly, I released her from my tight grip, stepping backwards to create space between us. "I'm all good, don't worry about me." She didn't show any plan to move at all that I came up with a conclusion to just leave after that. Well, it's been made clear that she's really just jealous as Sasha predicted, so I had no reasons to stay. That is, if she wants me to. Which I hardly doubt.

Hanji looked like she needed time for herself. She looked messier than she usually does. Her eyebags looked worst, and she was completely worn out. It would be cruel of me to stay in her company when she clearly didn't want me to.

I wanted to, believe me, I really would've. But Hanji's just... in a process of collecting herself together I shouldn't dare interrupt. Even if the desire to help her out is strong, I still dare shouldn't. So I turned around to leave, each step I made were awfully hard, my feet felt heavy as I did. Fuck, I really wanted to stay. I really wanted to be with her. I wanted to spend this sleepless night with her. I wanted to accompany her so badly.

"(Y/N)." I turned around to see her holding my arm in attempt to halt me from my steps. A wave of more relief surged through me. Hanji's touching again, that's a good sign she's stopped avoiding me. "I actually made the chocolate for you... I promise it's safe. I know it's doubting, but I promise that it's safe. I tasted it myself."

A smile crept my face as I slowly reached for the chocolate bars she's handing me. Then in a swift motion, smacked her on her cheeks in gratefulness. Plus I also just really wanted to kiss her cheeks again.

"Thanks, Hanji. Goodnight."


	10. Veterans Meal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: SMUT AND MENTION OF SUICIDE  
> PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK
> 
> also. this is like. the 2nd time i ever wrote a smut so don't expect so much. <33

I walked back to my own room with Sasha, knowing the time; she's probably still with the others in the garden. Like ordered, cleaning. My creaking footsteps were echoing in the hallway, the view outside were quite dark-- telling me it was way past 7.

I finished miraculously finished my paperwork before I got to wait for Hanji awhile ago, so I had no other plans for the day other than sleeping. I held the chocolate bars she had given me, it smelled so sweet and it gave the aroma of my favorite flavor. Dark chocolates.

I grinned at myself, I couldn't recall a time I told her such. I must've at some point. But still, the fact that she remembered it is quite adorable for me. I never had someone like that. Well, it's been long since I've had someone like that. The thought almost made me want to beat up myself for still keeping it from Hanji.

But how can I tell her? I'm still in the moving on phase and I'll practically never be able to get out. Just maybe. Either way, it shouldn't affect our relationship that much, considering it's not that big of a deal--- for her atleast.

I rattled the door open, expecting an empty, dark room. But the short evil Captain that basically was the cause of Hanji's jealousy was hovering over my desk. Aware of my presence by the movement on his head, yet he didn't bother to turned around just yet.

I closed the door behind me, not wanting for anyone to ever walk in on us. He has done enough damage for today. "Captain. I'm astonished you're here. How?" I tried to sound calm, but the nervousness had taken over me as I said the last word.

Captain Levi never brought anything good. Except for that time he revealed Hanji's feelings to me. Still, he was the definition of destruction I've always been fearful of. Not that I'm scared-scared of him, I'm scared of what he's about to say. Or reveal to me.

"I messed up real time, (Y/N)."

My eyes widened. The words rang in my ears audibly, almost as if a ghost was infront of me and I couldn't sink in that fact. Messed up? Him? Wow?! That's really new, I never expected this of him. Captain Levi has never shown any weakness to us, his squad members. I assume to his fellow veterans but certainly not to us mere squad members. He was a leader by example, therefore; fearless and cunning. Emotionless to the point it's scary as heck.

"I'm sorry?" I managed to ask, still puzzled by his presence and his statement. 

He finally turned around, his small figure leaning against the desk he had been hovering on as he crossed his arms on his chest. The typical Levi. He had the same, popular, blank face plastered on his face, clear and bright because of the moon. I gulped, hard. His unreadable face somewhat made me feel like it was me who messed up real time.

Was I? I stood still on my spot, not wanting to put anymore closure between us. His aura is dark enough for me. "You heard me right, shithead. I messed up. I shouldn't have put Hanji unto your shoulders. Seems like you can't take the responsibility." He finally spoke after the long pause, his tone as cold as ever. I frowned at the answer, still unable to take anything in. "Hanji's not herself. She's slacking. I thought putting you two together would somehow improve her. But no, you made her worse."

What the actual fuck? So they call the facade Hanji have as 'herself' when it clearly isn't? No offense, but it comes off as a shock to know that Levi-- who had been with Hanji longer than I did-- not know that. Pathetic. Fury and anger engaged me, unable to restrain myself, I burst.

"I'm simply ripping her off of the pretending, Levi. It appears as though you couldn't do that. Be thankful." I exclaimed, the fear clouded over with anger. First, he put me and Hanji together than called claimed that was him 'messing up', then retorted that I had been the cause of this sudden change of Hanji's? I have every right to be angry.

That's my fucking woman he's talking about.

Who cares if Hanji changes? Who cares if she suddenly becomes cold and tired of all this pretending? Who in the hell cares? Let her be who she wants to be, who she chooses to be. In the end, nothing would matter, we'll all just die. May it be from the titans or not. We'll all just die. 

So why can't people just mind their own fucking business and ignore those who chooses their own paths? Levi uncrossed his arms, a smirk present on his smug face. I couldn't regret what I said when the face he has now just proves the point of how much he doesn't care of Hanji's wellbeing.

"Just because you're Hanji's lover, I'll let this pass. But there won't be a next time, (Y/N)." He snapped, sending shivers down my spine. Well shit. "I'm glad you know. But also not. You opened doors for her, you made her realize, you brought up the things she had long pushed down. If you do love Hanji, (Y/N), then do your best to help her be who she had been, she's happy like that. Your action will bring consequences. You need to understand Hanji's got a peculiar mind, and losing that will only mean the lost of humanity. Remember that (Y/N)."

My jaw slightly dropped, contemplating what he had said. Before I could even dare say anything, he reached for the doorknob behind, merely looking at me; before he went on his way, his footsteps echoing on the hall.

I stood there frozen, confused. I don't know how long I've been stuck on my spot, staring at the furniture-- what he said had replayed repeatedly in my mind. "Your action will bring consequences." Just what consequences? I huffed a sigh, snapping my thoughts out of my mind as I finally dragged my feet to the bed-- crashing unto it.

Staring at the dark chocolates Hanji had given me, I slowly unsealed the wrap before taking a bite-- my stomach growling to remind me I had skipped both lunch and dinner. I chewed the desert silently, savoring it's taste. Gosh, it tasted good. Just like how I wanted it to.

Hanji never disappoints. And I wouldn't as well, I promised that I would stay by her no matter what. I'll never fail her the way I failed my close friend. That was the first and the last. I shut my eyes close, the words of Captain Levi came across my thoughts again. "If you do love Hanji, (Y/N), then do your best to help her be who she had been, she's happy like that."

Indeed I will. I love her too much for me to not do such. As long as she's happy. I'd be willing to do that.

\- - -

Weekend. Gosh, it's been an exhausting week everyone practically cheered as they announced our rest. Everything had been going well. For the Survey Corps. For the scouts. For both Hanji and me. Her sheepish green and cheerful demeanor was back. It was yesterday when she came busting in my room while I was working-- she jumped up and down as she-- breathing heavily-- told me about her new experiment that was going to take effect after this weekend.

It was a sight to see; her smile, the way her eyes shone, her scrunching nose as she tries to hold her excitement together but fails to do so; gosh, it was all so overwhelming. The good kind. My heart practically jumped in happiness with her.

This may be the best week for me ever, slash out the fight I had with her and Levi's words to me; that he surprisingly didn't brought up days after, it was still somehow the best week. Squad Leader Miche had invited everyone to the veterans meal-- that Hanji had told me about-- claiming was a way for all of us to spend the weekend. But I couldn't not hear Nanaba's, "it's just because you're way too bored of Levi's constant bickering with Commander Erwin that you thought of this idea." that brought both Miche and one of his squad members in laughter.

There always was a spark between the Commander and the Humanity's Strongest Soldier that everyone would literally agree they're seeing each other. Neither the two confirmed though, neither of us ever brought that topic up anyways.

Still, the news Miche had told us made me entirely happy. It wouldn't be so awkward anymore. It was the first day of the weekend, I couldn't meet up with Hanji as she was called by Commander Erwin to discuss the execution of her upcoming experiment. It was a bummer, yet the excitement on her face as she announced that to me last night was somehow infectious that I, too, feel excited.

But I miss her.

It was early in the morning when Sasha dragged me out of bed I slumped my butt on the floor. It fucking hurts. My butt was still aching minutes after.

"(Y/N)!!! HURRY UPP! WE MIGHT MISS BREAKFAST!"

She yelled on the other side of the door, practically banging. It was her first breakfast after days of skipping it due to the punishment she earned. I couldn't blame the potato lover. "Just a minute!!" I yelled back.

I pulled on a blue shirt, dressing myself casually. Somehow it made me feel relieved not having to wear the usual uniform we got. I immediately opened the door to both stop Sasha from the annoying bangs and to finally go on to the veterans dinner they invited us all.

It was in the town so we had to hurry and walk there. Ironically, the veterans meal took place in Hanji's home too. The thought of seeing where she lives made my heart flutter. Another step into knowing who she is.

Squad Leader Miche had given us advance information as to what direction to go; Sasha memorized it all that I was left in awe of her hunger for breakfast. It was both funny and amazing. 

Not so long after, we all gathered and finally made our way-- my heartbeat beating faster as we got closer the Hanji's home.

\- - -

Surely enough, a sight of a big house with a front yard could be seen. Hanji's home was on a hilltop, and the view was quite beautiful to see. The town and the headquarters of the Survey Corps was visible from here, no wonder why Hanji decided to stay in her house despite knowing it's where her mother had been murdered. 

Sasha and Connie immediately treated themselves with breakfast, chomping down here and there with the other scouts with Jean trying to slow the both down. Mikasa, Eren and Armin bid goodbye to me, saying they were going to eat and that someone had been staring intently at me from afar.

Hanji. I smiled as I quietly approached her, the crowd clueless. "Hey." I spoke, earning a ruffle from my hair. The classic Hanji that she is. "How was your meeting with the Commander?" with that, a slight spark in eyes ignited, it always happens when she either hears, sees or touches something interesting.

"It went really well, I couldn't wait to perform it with you. And well, with Moblit and Levi Squad as well." Hanji remarks with a proud grin on her face, "Have you eaten yet?"

I glanced at the noisy crowd in the backyard, eating and talking. Ehh, I'd rather spend time with her, I hate crowded places. "Nah, I'll pass." With that, she grabbed my hand and led me away-- bringing me inside her house.

I swear I saw a small smile forming on Levi's face that I luckily caught as we were making our way inside. Was he, glad? For me? For Hanji? For the progress? Shit. I'm so damned curious, I was pretty sure that the smile was for either of those. I'm just sure.

"(Y/N), like promised, I'm telling you something." Hanji announced as she continued dragging me further inside her house. It was just any other houses, her living room had chairs and was pleasant and clean. I assume it was because of Levi. Her kitchen was organized and many ingredients could be seen from the shelves. She led me into a room--- which I suppose belongs to her seeing as it's full of books and sketches of titans.

"Sit down." I complied, sitting on her soft bed that smelled like it's just been washed. Captain Levi again, I assume. These two must be really that close, I was wrong for telling Levi those words out of anger. Really wrong. 

Hanji pulled out a box, it was rather dusty compared to the furniture present. Must be because she's hidden it. Looking nervous now, she sat beside me leisurely, a sigh escaping her mouth. "Here it is. Open." I took the box from her hand, blowing at the top to remove the dusts. Hesitantly, I opened it as ordered.

Notes, letters, love letters, a ring-- and illustrations were there.

Illustration of someone I know so much.

Petra Ral. Former member of the Special Operations Squad; the Levi Squad back then.

My eyebrows furrowed as I took one of illustrations inside, hoping I was wrong. Praying I was wrong. Really wrong. Because Hanji and Petra can't... it's just simply impossible! They almost didn't interact back then-- they didn't... It's impossible.

"I kept us a secret," Hanji finally talked, seeing the confusing look on my face must've gave it away. "she was my... girlfriend. I know it's a shock, I kept it a secret as I could. Not even Levi knows of this. But yes, she was my girlfriend. Ever since she became a Survey Corps member, we dated. (Y/N), she was so pure. So innocent. Someone I treasured so much. Someone I loved too much. But I was so hesitant, see, I couldn't dare bring this into public. I was embarrassed of her, I was embarrassed of being with her. I know I hurt her, but she brushed it off. So by then, during the 57th expedition, before I could even announce us together... She... died. She died still thinking I was embarrassed of her. S-she died, (Y/N)."

A tear escaped Hanji's eyes, her voice trembling as she states the last sentence. I immediately cradle her face into the nook of my shoulder, my fingers digging into her brown hair. It was shocking, surprising. But I wouldn't dare question why, Petra Ral was attractive. 

Hanji looked so fucking hurt my heart broke into two. 

Such a tragic love story. They deserved better, Petra Ral and Hanji deserved better. If only I had known, I would of supported the both of them. I bit my lower lip at the thought of Hanji not being able to open up to anyone after Petra's death. It must've been so painful, dealing with it all alone. 

I know this kind of feeling, I've been through this with someone. "Luka Meyer. He was my closest friend. We weren't together, well, not officially. But we were close, close enough that we know each other's thoughts by merely looking at our faces. It's funny. He was something I treasured too, Hanji. Maybe because he was just really everything that I have after being abandoned on an orphanage by my parents. He was my savior, you see, he saved me from these pigs who tried to touch me. If you saw him, you two would have been bestfriends too. He loves unusual things. He's curious of titans as well. But one day, he was gone. Nothing but a letter was left for me saying that he was going to be wedded by someone." I paused, the thought of Luka flashed through my mind that I had to catch my breath first. Hanji listened silently. 

"We met at the church, the day before his wedding. I hurt him, Hanji. I told him things he didn't deserved to hear. All because he left me. The day after his wedding, he committed suicide. A letter was sent to me saying he was too guilty of hurting me knowing that he was my everything, that he was also too tired of living in a world where he has no choice, he kept saying sorry. Multiple times in the letter, He kept telling me that he loved me more than anything. That he would have wedded me instead of his wife. He committed suicide. Because of me. I couldn't weep at his funeral, nor tell anyone about it, it was so painful to bear."

Before I could realize, Hanji looked up at me with eyes shining from tears. She looked so pure that I let myself close the distance between us-- crashing my lips unto her soft ones, tenderly kissing her as a sign of comfort. Her chaste, strawberry flavored lips moving in sync with mine. Hanji's body was so close I could practically feel every inch of her, igniting an unwanted sparkle within me. I cradled her pretty face between my hands, pulling her into a deeper and much passionate kiss, the tender turning into a rough one within seconds, she moaned slightly which gave me a chance to enter my tongue in hers, causing us both to moan in pleasure. Her lips tasted so good it made me so fucking dizzy and lightheaded. I pulled away for a second, sinking in our sudden position-- my knees between her long ones, her face mere inches away and her lips plump from the kiss we shared. Fuck, she looked so hot.

"A-are you sure?" I breathed, panting as I released her face; dropping my hands unto her long legs. "We won't do this until you say so, Hanji."

"Fuck it, (Y/N), I'm so turned on and you're telling me that?!"

I chuckled, and within a second-- I unleased the monster within me.

I was going to fuck her until she runs out of breath.

I rammed her roughly against her soft bed, towering over her long figure. She grinned at that which I anticipated. Leaning, I planted another soft kiss on her lips just for the sake of it. Gosh, her lips were too good to not be kissed. I slowly travelled my mouth on her iconic jawline, momentarily biting which caused her to squirm unto me. I smirked. I went down on her neck, sucking unto her skin until it caused a hickey, I felt proud at the sight. I continued kissing until I reached her chest, pausing for permission.

She gave me a knowing stare, and with that, I unbuttoned the first button, planting kisses on the exposed area. "Mmmm, (Y/N)." Fuck. I was so wet and we just started. It's shameful. I went on with the second button, savoring the feel of her soft skin against my lips. Gosh, she is so, so perfect. It went on with the last button, with her squirming in need-- before I decided to fully remove her shirt, exposing her in her bra.

I slightly sat up to see a better view of her topless. How perfect can she get? She had such beautiful waist and I adore her love handles, and her breasts. Fuck, it was perfect as it is. "Stop that!" She hissed, flustered by my stare which caused me to chuckle. I went on with my work, unhooking her bra rather slowly to annoy Hanji, but it only left her more in need for my touch.

Tossing the garment on the floor, I started kissing and licking her breasts, my hand massaging the other, earning a loud and satisfying moan from Hanji. Fuck, she's so vulnerable. I gently rubbed their nipples with my finger while I continued sucking on the other one, a red mark visible. "Ohh (Y/N). K-keep, doing that." Hanji squirmed once again, her hands making a fist on the sheet, pulling on it. 

My fucking clit was throbbing from the view.

I released her nipples and breast with a soft 'pop', kissing the middle of her chest, muttering an audible, "You're so perfect, darling." as I made my way down. I didn't have to ask for permission, her short and sexy moans were enough for me to know just how much she's been wanting this.

Oh Hanji, I'm gonna fuck you that even the people outside will hear your loud screams.

I immediately unbuttoned her pants, bringing it down and tossing it to the floor with the other clothes. I went back to kissing her lips, her hands now circling my neck as she moans into my mouth. Hanji's too good to be true, just what have I done to deserve such angel? I slowly traced my fingers on her underwear, feeling the wetness of her pussy despite the fabric between.

I shortly stopped to comment, "You're so wet, Hanji."

"Just get on with it!" Hanji demanded, still flustered.

But there's not fun in that. No matter how much I want to take her here and now, I wanted to see her eyebrows furrow and mouth hang open in desire and in need. I wanted her to beg me. 

I slowly discarded her last garment, she was now naked up and down and she was so fucking beautiful. I stroked her clitoris, earning an approving moan from her. Her eyes were now shut close in pleasure, her head slightly thrown back against the bed. Shit, the view was quite turning me on more. "Darlinggg. Oh gosh." She whimpered against my touch, buckling her hips up for more.

I continued stroking, admiring the view below me. Who would've thought huh? The titan freak, weird scientist, Section Commander-- surrendering to my touch. It's delightful to know and to witness. It's the best choice I've ever done.

Smirking in satisfaction, I swiftly entered two fingers in her pussy, making her jolt in surprise. "FUCK!" I stopped for a moment, my fingers still inside her.

"Hey, are we doing alright?" I asked concernedly in which she helplessly nodded, her eyes still close. With that, I took my fingers out, only to enter it again, earning another gasp from the Section Commander. They were like music to my ears. Finding a slow pace, I slowly pumped my two fingers inside Hanji's wet clit, earning a sigh of pleasure from her. She was so warm, so wet, so in need I almost couldn't bear it anymore.

"M-more." She pleaded audibly, followed by a moan of satisfaction as I continued to do my work down there. Like the squad member I am, I obeyed her orders and entered her pussy deeper-- finding her gspot which caused her to moan so loud it must've reached outside the house to the scouts eating. Who cares? "OHH! (Y/N)! FUCK! DARLING!"

I thrusted much faster, deeper, much rougher inside her leaking pussy. Hanji's head was completely thrown back, her neck exposing to me in which I immediately sucked on, giving her more hickeys than anticipated. Her naked breasts clashed unto my still clothed ones, making me squirm. She was too... perfect.

"(Y/N)! I-I'M SO CLOSE!" She exclaimed her chest bouncing up and down as I continued pumping unto her, Hanji was indeed close, but the sadist I am, I immediately pulled away the second I felt it coming,

Hanji sat up in dismay, "What the fuck?!" she stared at me in shock, panting and sweating from my fingering that I was undeniably expert at. 

I pushed her down to the bed again, smirking as I did. "I'm not yet done, darling. Let's be patient, shall we?" I retorted, a glare was sent to me after.

"I hate you so much."

Kissing her forehead, I replied with, "I love you too." which softened her grumpy expression.

I went back to business, promising to deliver what she just deserved to have. Going down unto her, I pulled her thighs and wrapped it around my neck, her wet pussy now clearly visible. I began licking at the outer lips, savoring its surprisingly good taste. Everything about her is just good. I kissed her again and again, an impatient squirm escaping Hanji's lips.

I wasn't going to be a buzzkill that much. I entered my tongue on hers, which she must've liked because now she's pulling my hair, pushing me deeper into hers. I complied, sucking unto her tasteful pussy. "Darlingg, ohhh. Please! Please don't stop!" I sucked, licked and savored her making Hanji's hips buck up for more. 

"Say that again. Say my name, Hanji."

"Fuck (Y/N)! Darling! Please. Please."

"Beg."

"Fuck you, you sadist. Ohhh. Please I--- I beg you. Please. (Y/N). I want you, I want you. Make me cum, make me scream your name. (Y-Y/N) please."

I smirke and immediately played with her clitoris, my tongue still lavishing and devouring her clit. Finding a rhythm, Hanji began rocking unto my face, her hands loosening its grip on my hair as she arched her back from the pleasure. It was so good, her moans and breathes came in short bursts. Her eyes were shut and her eyebrows were furrowed, frowning as he mouth hang open.

I felt her walls tightening, she only could cry out loud as I continued sucking and fingering her pussy, groaning to add more pleasure. "FUCK (Y/N)! OHH! FUCK!" I didn't stop this time, entering and sucking unto her just as deep and fast as I did awhile ago.

"(Y/N!) OH MY FUCKING GOSH! (Y/N)"

And sure enough, Hanji came, her orgasm going straight into my mouth, I gulped it all down; loving the taste of her cum. She froze on the bed as she panted, her eyes fixated on the ceiling above. I hovered over her, crashing my lips for one last time-- making her taste of just how good she is.

"Section Commander Hanji! The soup's already cooked, you can come out for breakfast." 

I chuckled with Hanji at the sound of Moblit's voice who soon then went away. Supporting my weight on both hands beside her head, I stared lovingly at the woman I admire and love so much. She looked so beautiful after sex. Her skin was definitely glowing of some sort; glistening from sweat.

"I already had my breakfast, how 'bout you, dear highness?" I joked.

She rolled her eyes as I dropped to her side, licking her earlobe just to make her shiver. Damnit, I love all of her reactions when I touch her. It's simply nice to see. "Maybe if you stop that, I might be able to gather myself together and finally eat breakfast."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hanji will always be gay. so im never picking levi as her former love interest when petra literally exist. bye. ksksks.


	11. I Want You to Know

"Hey where were you?" Ymir approached with Christa beside her; a smug present on her kickable face. Just something about Ymir makes me want to go rouge or something.

I looked back at Hanji's direction who seems to be busy talking with Commander Erwin and the other veterans. By the looks of their faces, it seems like an inside joke they have as she was throwing her head back laughing.

Kind of reminds me how hot she looked like as she threw it back awhile ago-- her back arching for more as her breasts came in contact with my face. Fuck, I have to stop thinking about that. It's inappropriate. Especially when we just did that out of need for comfort.

Ymir's eyes went to her direction as well, glancing back at me with an annoying smirk. "Ahh I see, so how was it?" I frowned, confused on as to what she was talking about.

It was when Christa elbowed her on her waist-- since it's only part she can elbow considering her height-- that I realized what she was talking about. I cleared my throat, unable to hide away my embarrassment from the question Ymir retorted. How was it? It was the best I've ever had, better than I ever anticipated. The image of Hanji coming was still stuck in my head. She was too hot for me to handle. What did I even do to deserve such woman? 

I brushed Ymir off who kept whistling at me, making my way to Sasha and Connie's table who were still busy eating, this sight honestly-- is nothing new. They're both food monsters, it's an everyday situation. It's actually adorable to witness the two adoring food, that is, if it's not yours they're chomping down.

"Hey (Y/N)! Have you eaten yet?" Sasha joyfully asked as I approached, she was holding a potato on her left hand, a bread on her right and there was a piece of meat she momentarily laid on her tongue. I don't know whether I should be disgusted or not.

I sat down beside Connie, who was looking at me for an answer. I nodded my head, half lying as I did. Truth be told, I actually have eaten. Just not that kind of breakfast everyone is usually fond of. It's just a breakfast made for me. Only me.

And it's really, really delicious. The fact that my said breakfast is a few feet away makes it so hard to not think of how easily I could grab her away from the crowd and fuck her earnestly on the nearest wall. I slightly smirked as I caught Hanji's stare from their table, the thought of how her eyes rolled at the back of her head; coming and screaming my name like a fucking whore flashed across my mind. 

It's both surprising and relieving to know nobody has approached both of us yet and asked why Hanji was so loud screaming my name. "(Y/N)? I didn't saw you getting food." I snapped my head at Connie, my thoughts vanishing the instant he threw me a suspicious look. "Are you not eating again? You're already too thin." 

I tried to come up with an excuse, my mind rattling and battling on as to what I was going to say enough to wave them off. But lying on the spot wasn't my usual skill, though. If even, I suck at such. I opened my mouth to speak, that until, a bread was shoved up right into my throat; making me slightly choke at the action.

"Not eating is bad, (Y/N). You, yourself knows that. Here, you can have my potato. Section Commander Hanji has countless so I can just get as many as I can." Sasha stated, still shoving the bread into my mouth before I caught her wrist to stop her.

I glanced at Hanji, tearing up from trying to stop herself from laughing out loud that I wished for the floor to open up and eat me from the embarrassment.

I'm gonna kill Sasha.

\- - -

It's Monday, which means, Hanji's new experiment was going to happen this very day. I'm quite excited about it, though I can never be as excited as she is.

The experiment was to test if we can create a formula to de-titan the titans-- since it's been proven that they were once humans, thanks to Connie's observation as they visited his village because of a sudden titan attack. We were going to use Eren in his titan form and try to extract some of his blood. Hanji, the brilliant scientist that she is had created an instrument to keep a titan blood from evaporating like it normally does.

The only thing to worry about is having to capture a titan. Capturing means going outside the walls. Going outside the walls means losing soldiers. And the Levi Squad, along with the other 2 squads; namely Ness and Marlene Squad, were assigned for this task.

I'm kind of excited, yet nervous to execute this experiment. I trust my comrade's skills, I really do, but Commander Erwin was a devil. His mind is set to finishing a goal without worrying about how much damage it can cause to complete such. I strapped my ODM gears before I made my way outside to the stable where everyone's already present.

"Hey (Y/N)! Section Commander's asking for you in her office, says she has something to run through with you." Armin stated, his hand waving to and fro. I nodded my head as a response, immediately making my way to Hanji's office as asked to.

There were approximately 45 minutes before the experiment takes place, 45 minutes to prepare. 45 minutes until we enter hell's doom. Sighing, I knocked on Hanji's door the moment I reached her office, opening it myself before she could even answer.

The Section Commander was still on her casual clothes however, sitting on the chair with scattered papers laid on her desk. I slightly frowned at the sight of her, "You called for me?" I approached her desk, now meeting her beautiful brown eyes as she looked up at my figure. 

"Yeah, come in."

Hanji looks rather small compared to me when sitting, I find it adorable. It's not always that I get to overgrow the giant, I swear, she's just too tall I bet her mother must've accidentally swallowed a growing pill when Hanji was still in her stomach. The giant brunette in question flashed a small smile before motioning me to sit down infront of her desk. I did so, perplexed yet attentive. 

"I'll cut to the chase! I want you to be with me during the experiment, and the capturing of titans. I want you beside me where I can see you. I know Erwin placed you behind Marlene Squad, but I'm afraid I'm not certain by that. I want you to be on my right, safe and sound, (Y/N), is that clear?" she stated, her fingers pointing and tapping on the spot beside her position on the map. It was endearing, I undeniably love it when people care about me. But no. I can't forsake the mission just because she isn't certain for my safety.

I placed my finger rebelliously on the map, the usual spot I was given to. "I'll be here, Hanji. And I'll be fine. You know me, I'm skillful enough to take care of myself. So either way, I'll still be safe and sound." I earned a glare for that statement, which I suppose was just out of worry and need. Hanji dragged my fingers with her delicate hands to the spot she wanted me to be on, her eyes gazing fiercely at mine's.

"There'll be a hoard of titans there, (Y/N). Listen to me darling, alright? You'll be safe with me right here." She pursued even more, desperation could be heard from her voice.

I couldn't be budged though, I'm everything but a rule breaker. Wherever I'm assigned to, or whatever I'm assigned to; I'll be obeying such commands. May it risk my life or not. I can't afford to forsake my comrades just so I can be 'safe' as she claims. "No, Hanji. You're not gonna baby me. I can take care of myself and I'll be back to you full and uninjured. I swear I will, darling. Stop worrying will you? I promise I'll be alright. You have to gear up now, it's almost time to go." 

With that, the Section Commander finally surrendered and huffed a remorseful sigh-- letting go of my fingers as she did. I truly understood her worry for my being, but that can't change the fact that we're still soldiers on a duty to devote our hearts for the safety of humanity. As much as I want to be beside her for all the time, it just can't be with all the chaos in this world. 

"Sorry about that. I'm just... really worried for you." Hanji stood up, straightening her back as she made her way to the closet-- grabbing the uniform and the cloak her parents had before they died. My eyes were fixated on her back all the time. "You're dismissed, I'll be with you in a minute."

With that, I leisurely approached her and hugged her from behind; clutching her curvy waist and resting my head on her sculpted back-- smiling as I smelled her scent, the scent of lavender soap that we, scouts had been given. Hah! She had taken bath today, I surely hope not because of Captain Levi, though. I'd rather have Hanji be dirty than have Levi do it for her.

"You took a bath." I stated the obvious, closing my eyes to treasure the contact. It was rather nice and comforting, the feel of her against mine. "I love the way you smell."

Her hands dropped on her sides, her head slightly tilted to the side to catch a glimpse of my cuddling figure, giggling. "You haven't hugged me before." I snapped my head at hers, frowning as I met her eyes. "You should do it often, I like the way it feels." Hanji added before she turned around to fully look at me, now the first to drag me into a warm, yet tight hug. Dear heavens, it'll be her who'd kill me herself and not the titans.

Despite the tight hug, I was able to lay my head unto her chest, the beating of her heart was evident by just how much she loves this. I do too. Gosh, I love it so much that I don't wanna ever leave now. I'd rather stay in this warm touch than fight titans outside. But then again.

We're soldiers. I sighed at that, painfully breaking the contact only to have her lips crash on mine. I melted, feeling myself come soft because of her touch, unable to keep my thoughts straight. Something about the way her lips were softly and tenderly placed on mine that made my heart skip a beat. Something about the way she held me so warmly on her arms. Something about the way her lips fits so well on mines. Just something about her. About Hanji. About the woman I've been yearning to see every single day. The kiss screamed so much love and so much passion that it was so hard to pull away.

"They're waiting for us." I retorted, earning a small giggle from her. "We'll catch your titans and I'll come back to your arms safe and sound, okay?"

Hanji nodded, a thoughtful expression on her face. "I want you to know that I'll be waiting for you, (Y/N). I will be. I won't go unless I see you. So yeah, come back to me, or else I'll go into monster mode." She warned.

I snorted at the statement, the thought of her in a monster mode was rather unlikeable to know and see. It's adorable. It wasn't everyday that I have someone, who was practically a cupcake; warn me to come back or else she'd go rouge. It was nice and touching to know, maybe because I've never had someone such as Hanji. Maybe because all of this was new to me. All of who Hanji was. It made me feel so many emotions, I was basically flustered.

"I made a promise." I reassured, earning a small, appreciative smile from her, and for the last time, she pecked me on my forehead before pulling me into another warm hug. This time, it was much warmer and softer. As if I was someone who'd break if not caressed as tenderly as she does. "I want you to know I never break such promises, darling." I muttered against her chest, snuggling to feel more of her.

I felt her smile grew wider at that, "Alright. I trust in you, (Y/N)." 


	12. I'm Never Leaving

It was nerve wracking. Beautiful, yet nerve wracking. This had always been what the outside world is for me; beautiful but occupied with titans. The sun was dim along with the sky, yet I haven't seen any green flare to announce our retreat. The Marlene Squad infront of me were silently yet nervously riding their horses in a constant speed; keeping up with the formation.

They had forecasted the weather wrong, seeing as to how it's likely to snow in a few hours. My thoughts shifted to the woman I've been with not so long ago; Hanji-- wondering how she's been keeping up currently. With or without my reassurance, I just know she's still somehow worrying.

I couldn't blame her for that, she's lost Petra unexpectedly in a deadly expedition. Who's to say she wouldn't lose me now? I huffed a sigh, looking down. I had lied. And I feel bad for it. I shouldn't have promised Hanji such thing. I shouldn't have promised I'd come back to her. I know the risks of going outside, I know how slim the chances of survival are. And I know there's absolutely no assurance I'd be able to come back safe and sound just like how I promised her to.

"We have been wandering for an hour now." Squad Leader Marlene who had been on my right; muttered under her breath. Her confusion evident on the frown forming on her face. "It's going to snow."

I stared up at the sky momentarily, its angry and grey clouds proved Squad Leader Marlene's statement. I sure hope we're going to retreat before it could even happen. Heaven knows how risky it is to go out on a snow. "You think they're going to let us leave soon?" I asked the leader beside me.

She lets out a snort, "No. Commander Erwin's up to something. We're not only going to capture some titans-- we're probably going to visit our old headquarters too. Well, that's what I think. This route's familiar for me." My eyes widened.

Is this why Hanji's been worrying? Because she knew the mission's more crucial than we think it is? This should be no more new for us, though, Commander Erwin had always been like this. Full of surprises. Horrid surprises. Surprises that kills hundreds of soldiers.

I'm glad we're only few, plus most of us are elites. Well, most. Not me, though. I've only just started stepping up on my game. We went silent for awhile, each of Marlene Squad I'm with in deep thoughts.

I was thinking of Hanji. She was no doubt, safe. Atleast I hope. She's mostly with our Squad and Moblit, though Jean and Eren are with the other squads, she's mostly with the skilled ones. I shouldn't worry that much, especially since my friends are skillful enough to protect the Section Commander. Plus Levi wouldn't allow Hanji to get hurt.

I'm positive.

"WATCH OUT!"

My eyes shut close as I landed hard on the ground, the impact causing extreme pain in all parts of my body. My head started throbbing painfully. Shit. A titan. What the actual fuck? They should've seen such coming!

I immediately stood up on my knees, glancing behind me just to meet a 7m titan responsible of the attack. Its eyes were terrifically big and glued unto my figure. Well shit. "(Y/N)!" Squad Leader Marlene yelled, her voice trembling yet stern at the same time.

It's an abnormal. Seeing as how it came from the right wing and went straight to us. I took a few steps behind, trying not to trigger anything from the titan. They were absolute clusterfucks type of creatures even Hanji couldn't somehow read.

"Squad Leader Marlene! I'll take care of its nape, immobilize their legs." I stated, trying to sound calm as I could. 

I wasn't. I was scared shitless if anything. I still wanted to see Hanji and live life with her. She's waiting for me. And I shamefully promised her to come back. "On it!" Marlene drew her blades, which I did the same before hooking myself unto the nearest abandoned building.

Immediately, the abnormal titan reacted by trying to get ahold of me, I swiftly moved away. Squad Leader Marlene attacked its legs while it was busy trying to get me. The abnormal fell on its knees; causing a slight rumble. Seeing the opportunity; I reached for it's nape. 

1 meter long. 10 centimeters wide. I took a deep breath, slicing it open in an instant. 

It fell. "Great job, (Y/N)! Let's regroup." Squad Leader announced from the ground, I threw my previous blades, then landing back on the floor-- met up with Marlene. She handed me her extra horse, seeing as how mine ran away the second I was separated from it, we immediately regrouped with the others.

Goodness, that was close. My head was still throbbing though, but overall, I was fine. Some scratches here and there, but it didn't sting that much. I let out a sigh before riding off. Hanji, I'm still alive. I'm still here.

I hope she knows that.

\- - -

"It's snowing, Levi." Hanji grumbled, constantly looking behind her in hopes of seeing the woman she so wish was safe. (Y/N). The droplets of snow came in contact with her exposed hands, reminding her how dangerous it was to be out here. And how dangerous it could be for (Y/N).

Levi didn't looked like he planned to fire the green flare, however. He rode straight ahead, the members behind him confused and nervous just as Hanji is. Levi was, no doubt, obeying Erwin's commands. It may not look like it, but she's not as oblivious as he may think. This road was the way to their old headquarters-- where the titans had devoured atleast 100 of their soldiers.

What Hanji was questioning, is why the heck is Erwin risking their lives for the sake of an abandoned building long destroyed. If only Levi would sputter an answer, Hanji could've had her mind at peace.

But no. The Levi he is didn't bothered to. It makes Hanji's blood somewhat run back in fury. She needed to see (Y/N) safe, and if possible; convince the arrogant girl to stay with them. If possible. She sighed at that, somewhat mad at herself about how she failed to persuade (Y/N). Now she's stuck worrying and doubting the safety of her lover. 

(Y/N) was strong and skilled. Of course. But Hanji just couldn't trust anything anymore, even Petra Ral was skilled, if ever; far skilled than (Y/N) is. But where's she at now? Long gone. And Hanji didn't even get to say goodbye to her. She hates the chance of (Y/N) ending up just like Petra.

"Section Commander, I haven't been seeing flares lately. What do you think happened?" Nifa asked from behind, catching up to Hanji.

The question made Hanji more nervous than she already is. It has been exactly 23 minutes since the last smoke, she could only hope titans have been eliminated in this area; explaining the lack of flares. Gosh, it was supposed to be an easy task. Go to outside world, attract both abnormal and normal titans; lead them straight into the wall and have the prepared instrument capture the two. The leading soldiers were supposed to do that, they were supposed to do that. But no titans showed up in their area; leaving the soldiers behind to eliminate them as it was their task.

It was almost like it was planned; the titans hiding while the leading soldiers pass and showing them only when the weaker soldiers; the ones trailing behind; deal with the titans-- seeing as to how it's been atleast 1 and a half hour and they haven't had met with any of the ugly creatures.

Hanji glanced shortly at Nifa, the confusion visible in the younger girl's face. "I don't know. We could only hope all the titans been killed here." Nifa nodded at that, uncertain.

That was false hope. Hanji knows that. It's almost impossible that all the titans are gone knowing very well there's hundreds of them in this particular place. But there's no other explanation other than that; Hanji trusts in Marlene's skills. Although her squad members are a bit of weak, they were just few steps behind Hanji and Levi's members. And (Y/N). (Y/N)'s a good one, Hanji's seen her in a fight-- and she was good.

So there's no way the titans have... Eliminated them. Yes indeed, there's just no way.

"CAPTAINS! MARLENE SQUAD HAS BEEN WIPED OUT!"

Huh?

Hanji's horse along with the others halted at that, their heads turning to the direction of Jean approaching. He looked surprised. Hurt. Afraid. Nervous. Just like a guy who witnessed a horrible murder.

But no. (Y/N)... She's good. She has to be alive. She's not going to leave Hanji like this. She's... she promised. She promised to come back safe and sound. Full and uninjured. She fucking promised that. Jean has to be wrong, he has to be lying! 

Sasha was first to speak after the long silence, "What-- what do you mean Jean?" her voice trembled, eyes widened.

"They're all, d-dead."

Hanji stayed still, she doesn't know whether in shock or hurt. Maybe both. The news was still sinking in. The news. The probablity of (Y/N)-- breaking her promise. The probability of (Y/N) not coming back. The probability of (Y/N) gone. She snapped her thoughts, her trembling hands leading her horse to get away from them.

She rode her horse in full speed, the voice of Jean repeating awfully painful in her head. He really should be fucking wrong. He has to be. Marlene Squad and (Y/N). They are alive. Hanji knows they are.

She broke into shameful tears, the wind wiping it away from her face as she rides faster and faster; the thought of (Y/N) breaking her heart every second. "(Y/N)... you promised me!" Hanji screamed to herself rather than to her absent lover.

(Y/N) never breaks her promises. She said herself. She said that, and Hanji knows (Y/N) never lies, atleast not to her. The possibility however, faded away the instant Hanji entered the bloody place of Marlene Squad.

Bodies. Blood. Pool of bloods. Hanji's heart skipped a beat as her eyes met with Marlene's opened, dead ones. Marlene, her dear friend. She was dead, her body in half and her jacket full of red stains. Hanji's body almost gave up, her eyes warily searching for (Y/N). Hoping, begging to the heavens, that she had somehow survived.

She had to be. "Oh God, please. (Y/N)..." Hanji muttered to herself, tears falling down her face as she turned around and around; the sight of Marlene Squad present everywhere. The dead Marlene Squad.

(Y/N) wasn't there.

"Oi, four-eyes." Levi came behind her, a hand placed unto her shaking shoulders. "Get back in the formation, we still have to finish--"

"NO!" Hanji slapped Levi's hand away, glaring at his ever so cold eyes. This was all his fault, if he had turned back the second the weather worsened, Marlene Squad would've still been alive. And (Y/N), fuck, (Y/N) would've still been here. Safe and sound. 

Erwin and his fucking orders. Hanji would never find herself forgiving him for this. "You're a soldier first, do your duties as one." Levi stated coldly like he usually is; not giving any damn for the bodies present around them.

"I'm ranked higher than you, motherfucker. You can go and be Erwin's little pet but I'm going to look for (Y/N), with or without you. I'm never leaving her." 

Before Levi could even stop the Section Commander, Hanji rode away the instant he opened his mouth. This was why Levi hated having someone so close to him; he knows just how much it hurts to lose them. Isabela. Farlan. His previous squad members. They were his lessons and reminders that he shouldn't get so emotionally attached to anyone anymore. Erwin and Hanji needs to be his last. And it should stay as that.

Hanji, however, had allowed herself to fall for (Y/N). Does Levi loathed her for that? Of course not, not even after Hanji disobeyed the orders. She'd never look as happy as she had been with (Y/N) he let her be. Levi sighed.

He stared up at the angry sky; the snow coming in contact with his pale face. "I hope you find her, Hanji."

\- - -

My knees gave up, falling short on the ground. Marlene... The Marlene Squad I was with. They were all dead. Dead because of my incompetence. Why the fuck had I depended on them? Why the fuck did I let myself be protected by them? I was supposed to be the one protecting them.

And yet. They died. Infront of me. And because of me.

I weeped, unable to keep it all together. I had chased the titan south, deep into the forest, my anguish clouding over me as I killed it to death. I had been so focused on trying to keep myself alive that I had allowed myself to be vulnerable.

"We got this (Y/N)! Go on to the Section Commander as you wish!" I shouldn't have. What a pathetic soldier am I. Had I forgotten the fact that it is my duty to protect people?

I clutched my chest, the familiar pang was present. It hurts so bad. It hurts losing people. I know very much just how close Marlene is with Hanji. No doubt, she was kind, so kind to me. I had taken advantage over that kindness just to attend my personal needs.

Stupid me! Stupid, stupid me! They would've still been alive, I could've saved them from the sting of death. I really could've.

The snow by now was thick, I had almost forgotten how cold and freezing it is outside because of the happenings. I couldn't careless. My body was weak as I was, tired from all the fighting we went through. Despite the 15 titan kills, I had kept my promise to Hanji. Full and uninjured.

But I was weak. So weak. Emotionally and physically. I dropped on the cold ground, letting myself fall and lie on the snow. It was so cold. But I find myself not caring. Marlene's terrified eyes will hunt me forever.

"S-so cold." I shivered, pulling my jacket.

The snow continued pouring from the sky, I could only look at it. The thought of Hanji crossed my mind, and there's nothing more that I need but seeing her and feeling the warmth of her hug again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did yall think we going to break a rib or summ? 😭😭
> 
> hah! we're not weaakk. atleast not after 15 titan kills. sometimes we forget we're in Levi-Hanji squad and it shows. 🤩 anyways thank u sm for reading! i love ur comments and it always makes my day. 💕💕


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